Never Read The Literature In A Doctor's Office

from: Oxsan

I spent a good part of the morning today in an ophthalmological clinic in Fort Worth having the retina in my left eye photographed (digitally) and displayed on a large screen computer monitor. They took a total of 25 pictures from that many different directions in order to cover all of the region of the back of my eyeball. At one point the technician who was doing all of this asked me if I wanted to see the images and I said yes and went around to where I could view the screen---mistake number one. Generally speaking you do NOT want to see what is inside of you--it doesn't look properly organized and sorted out. What I saw in each of the twenty five frames was a round disc more or less sixteen inches in diameter filled with bright red earthworms (they had injected flourescin die in the back of my hand) a few black spots and one very prominent blank area (grayish-white) about the size of a quarter which was prominent in all the pictures. I put my finger on it and wisely said "Looks like we have a problem here, eh what?" Danny, the technician said "No, not at all, that is where the optic nerve enters the eyeball and it looks perfectly normal to me. Now this area looks a little abnormal" and he pointed to an area on one of the discs that study as I did I could not differentiate from any oither area on the disc. So I just said"Yes I see". Danny told me that the doctor would call me after he had reviewed the photographs.

As I was checking out I noticed a rack of folders with different titles and a little sign that said "Take One". I took four. They had titles such as "Detached and Torn Retina", "Diabetic Retinopathy", "Macular Degeneration" and a neatly titled "Floaters and Flashers". I drove home by braille (my left eye was dilated and I am legally blind in my right) and by the time I got home I could barely read them and study the pictures--- mistake number two. You do not want to see what your retina looks like when detached (sort of like a piece of wadded up cellophane), you dont want to see how they put the retina back in place (by pumping sterile gas into the eyeball which presses the retina against the eyeball then after two weeks(during which the eye is covered) they insert a needle into the eyeball from the side and "weld" the retina back to the eyeball with cryogenic fluid. You speak cryogenic? That means hell for cold. The Spanish Inquisition got a bad rep for a lot less than that. So after reading the literature and looking at the contrived expression on Danny's face I am sure that I'll be walking around with a German Shepherd again pretty soon---with a handle on his back.

Don't look at the pictures in your doctor's machines or ask the technicians anything or read any of the folders in a doctor's office.

When I got back to the farm I was dying to take a leak and breathed a sigh of relief till I looked down and saw the bright red urine that was filling the commode---I had forgotten that flourescin turns your urine bright red.



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