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MONKEE BITES UNLIMITED
The
notorious hip-hop Monkees' samplers, (called "biters"), got roped into a gig
with
the Cacophony Orchestra, featuring the Donkey Lady Singers,
and none other than the
NY Metropolitan Turntable Quartet;
to be conducted by DJ-PPX, and allowed
unlimited access to
the Loopski Scratchtakovich's Library Of Fly LP's And Dope MP3's
FECES, AQUAVELVA, CANDYCORN,
& JONES-X...
otherwise known as DJ-PPX, but
sometimes known as Snot Blobby Hog,
or Hwwauk-Tooey Dash
X,
or maybe even DJ Doggy Download,
or just plain ol' MP3-X
Or hand me a damn mic, I'll show you Elementary Einsteins what ME = mc2 is all about!
I'm a scientific fact, Jack, and if you ain't down wit dat...? well?
sawwwright....
But, don't you be lookin' off into my sco'
muthafucka! Read ya own damn sco', ho!
Man, don't you know
what a fuckin' sco' is? You dumb country fucks!
That's why they reading them pieces of paper with dots 'n' shit, that's the notes.
Wha...? Fuck you, I ain't lyin', you ign'ant hick! Its called a muthafuckin' sco'! Its a
blueprint.
You better quit callin' me a liar, why the fuck would I lie about that?
Its like the liner notes on the back of the album, fool! I said they was notes, didn't I?
MONKEE BITES UNLIMITED THE
baddest muthafuckin' hip-hopping group out there using Monkees samples exclusively! Man,
we be kickin' it in the studio, and Feces got this idea to sample "Mary, Mary"
from the 2nd album, then overlay a little "Clarksville", a little "I'm A
Believer", and the MOOG loop from "Star Collector", then, segue that shit
into a really fly "Pleasant Valley Sunday" loop layered with "Mary,
Mary" but transposed down a 4th and time stretched to a triplet against Davey's
maracas in "Steppin' Stone"? then, AquaVelva and Candycorn smoked 4 blunts of
'dat chronic, and the wack-ass muthafuckas did an incredible marathon of scratching
overdubs, like 43 tracks with automation, man it was beautiful, it sounded like a real
Cacophony Orchestra, but there's a new section, between the cellos and the French horns,
that's where the twin turntables are set-up, with over 17,000 LP's from the 50's-90's.
This section of the orchestra is affectionately known as the "DJ's", who
are renown for their prowess in marking records with masking tape so they know exactly
where to Drop It On The One! Yo!
These muthafuckas don't use no Monkees albums, they scratchin'
Deutsch Grammophone Beethoven's and shit!.... muthafucka did the whole
instrumental break just tearin' up shit with Prokofiev, Varese, and what's that other
muthafucka? Yo! What? No, YOUR mama,
motherfucker!
FECES: Yo Yo Ma!
Oh, yeah, that's the shit, Yo Yo Ma, Bum Rush the Sco', dog!
Shit we don't use no sco', we just scratch the breaks with the rhythm we give 'em, give de
sco' to one them piccolo muthafuckas, they got glasses and shit. Fuck the sco', dog, give
me some muthafuckin maskin' tape! Hey, muthafucka... yeah, you!... what de fuck is that? A
cello? Lemme play that muthafucka... hey, dog, 'dis cello shit can scratch!
nowhatI'msayin'? Damn, G! Hey, Feces! Feces! Come check out this cello shit, dog!
Scratchin' like the DJ's of Old! I wanna use this muthafucka on Opus-187! listen to that
shit! hey, you got any fuckin' rosin, G? Hey C-Corn, pass me that... right there... the
brown shit, you dumb muthafucka!.. yeah, that sticky shit... I'll rosin this muthafucka up
till it'll scratch just like an LP, even with the pops and clicks! I'm gonna try bowing
with the fuckin' needle, dog, just like DJ John Cage
and MC Krackhausen! Or be like an innovator and
shit... use the needle for a cello! Try the bow out on the needle! That mutha fucka's
LOUD!!!
...a little mo' bass? Alright! Mr. Sound Man, could I have a little mo' bass?... OK, then give me a LOT mo' bass.... just turn the muthafucka all the way up! Sounds good! OK, now add just a little mo' bass... mo' bass? No mo' bass? Well, then it needs a scratch break right there for sure. Hand me that Nutcracker and... gimme some 1812, dog! here comes the big DJ guns, I'll be scratching the cannons on the 1812 overture... whoa! this is drive by shit! Say, mofo, you using that? You're just playing that snare drum, right? So you don't need that there, right? That a vibraphone? Say, bro'... is it OK if I use your vibraphone?
DJ-PPX moves the vibraphone to the DJ section, then sets twin turntables on top.
That shit is fuckin' fly, dog! that looks real space age, like on Battlestar
Prophylacticus.
Shit, let's bring the
Donkey Lady Singers in for a little accapella
performance!
FECES: Isn't that without any clothes?
No, that's without any scratchin', you stoopid-ass muthafucka!
I though you said you were a DJ!
Show me see yo muthafuckin' resume!
