The Jackass Legacy [as found at the Churn]

from: VinylJunkie
9:21:50 AM

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, downloading MP3s like they were goin outta style when I remembered a phone call I had to make to this cute girl who I met at the club underneath my ShagPad. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I was a lil surprised but politely said, "This is Duncan and could I please speak to Robin?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I thought she must have just been playing with my head and has a boyfriend. But I did remember her last name so I looked it up. Sure enough her number was in the book but it was different from the one she had given me. The last 2 digits of the number she gave me were transposed. She was pretty drunk that night so I thought, "Alright I'll call." So I called her and melted her heart like a patty of butter with my smooth sexy voice (yeah sure right). After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day saving dumb Mainers from the icy grasp of the Atlantic, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"

It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the lousy Maine phone company finally introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."I made up a name. "Hi. This is Joe (bogus name) with the sales office of Bell Atlantic and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 443-4863.

[Keep reading hombres and hombrets, it gets better.]

The old lady at the Maine mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 443-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 18 West Bath street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front. "I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes," "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

For awhile things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "18 West Bath Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I interupted "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 18 West Bath Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 Fox News in Portland about the gang war going on down West Bath Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to Bath Street to watch the whole thing.


Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of all Brunswick's Finest and a news helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

So just remember, if ya get mad, take it out on someone you already hate. =)


Gunkan (VinylJunkie)

(area code withheld to protect the jackass) (look in a phone book for Maine's)

[lifted verbatim from As The World Churns, the BBS for #Amish_Rake_Fight, the IRC chat trash channel]



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