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from: Matthew Hannigan
216.198.7.130
3/17/00
4:33:57 PM
Sent to: popeye-x@popeye-x.com 00-03-16
Subject: submission to the toiletside reader
Thrifty and Sensible Alternatives to Burial
(Or Putting the "Fun" back in Funeral)
by Matthew Hannigan (found at www.lancemclove.homepage.com )
Death is a sad event which has many layers of pain associated with it. In order to deal with such inevitable distress at the departure of a loved one, we have devised several means of facing that grief. One of the most consistent practices observed by most religions and cultures is the wake.
The wake is the custom that involves embalming the dead and putting them on show for mourners to view and make peace with for the last time. While this may offer some sort of comfort to the bereaved, it is unfortunately at the same time acting as a destructive force toward our environment. It seems that some time after the casket has been buried, the poisonous embalming fluids that are used to temporarily preserve the body begin seeping into the ground which eventually gets into our water supply.
Unfortunately, this leaves us with a difficult dilemma. While we do not want to endanger our lives by poisoning our precious water, we still need to find a way to properly dispose of our deceased. Though cremation is an obvious choice, many may not find this appealing. Fortunately, I have given this some thought and have devised several ways of disposing of our dead.
The first alternative has an appeal to our more adventurous types. It is called "The Summer Time Fun Shower." Here the dead are put into a wood chipper and their remains are sprayed up into the air while cannibal children dance underneath catching body parts with their mouths. Just add fruit and it becomes delicious fun on a hot day in August.
Next, for our Spanish Friends, I have devised "The Human Pinata." This time, the body is hollowed out and filled with candy. Then a secret portion of the body is dipped into dry ice so it shatters when hit. Now when Cinco de Mayo comes around, you can hang up the body and children can hit it with a stick until they find the hidden place that will shatter and allow the delicious candy to fall out. Feliz Navidad!
Another idea is to start a necrophilic dating service which I call "Dying to Meet You." This allows those special members of our society to find love without the worry of embarrassing legal complications.
For the fisherman, a great way to return to the sea after departing from life is to become bait. You'll be catching the fish then. And if you're lucky to die with a bunch of fishing buddies, you all can be "chum." Wouldn't that be appropriate!
If you're a patriotic person, there's no better way to serve your country than to have your body become a target for the armed forces. Just think of your dead carcass during a war game dressed as an Iraqi soldier sitting in a tank. Suddenly, Private Baily sneaks behind enemy lines. Using all his training, he comes up to you when you're not looking and drops a grenade inside, blowing you and the tank to shreds. Somehow, General Patton happened to notice. Thanks to you that young private from Des Moines is now Corporal Baily. Good job soldier, and good job to you, the patriot who offered himself to his country.
Now although it's always sad when a baby dies, a fun way to turn tragedy into delight is to stuff them and use them as dolls for children. Imagine her face when your little girl picks up that lifelike, recycled baby on Christmas morn. "Oh daddy [or mommy]," she'll scream, "it's just what I wanted!"
There are so many alternatives to burial, many of which are Earth friendly. So if you're going to die, my advice is to be creative and environmentally conscious, but most of all have fun!!!
