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(written by Dennis L. Hays)
popeye-x 216.198.7.130 5/30/00-19:05
found by PPX:
Music Under Siege:
The Trial of Michael Bolton (Part I)
(Nuremburg) The trial of "singer" Michael Bolton continued here today. The United Nations Tribunal, having charged Bolton with crimes too numerous to mention over a 28k connection, continued hearing from a long list of bereaved witnesses. The most compelling was "Molly," an elderly singing sheep. She claimed that Bolton saw her cabaret act in Boise around 1992, and soon after, began imitating her species' distinctive singing style. Even jaded courtroom observers were stunned when blind-folded jurors were unable to distinguish the tortured bleats of the two as they performed a medley of Courtney Love's greatest hit. Several of those present were treated by medics for acute, high-frequency deafness. However, upon cross examination, Molly did admit that Bolton had a nice butt. Also of note, the CEO of Netscape testified that Bolton deserved the death penalty for his butchery of soul music standards on his putrid "Classics" album. Next up, Jamie, a stylist for the Megacuts Hair Salon testified that she developed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from dealing with pudgy, middle-aged customers who wanted a "Bolton-Do." Jamie summarized thusly: "They were sooooooo pathetic!" The day ended on a festive note, with Molly & the Singing Judds performing "Mama He's Crazy" as the nearly comatose Bolton somnambulated his way from the courtroom. As dozens of mildly retarded fans clamored for his autograph, Bolton grinned sheepishly, picking mold from his yellow, calloused tongue. Afterwards, some plaintiffs questioned the objectivity of Judge Kendall Pudsticker, whose 1700's era judicial wig bears a suspicious resemblance to Bolton's Virility-Do.
Hear Michael Bolton trading riffs with the ghost of Lawrence Welk on their new album "Power to the Pantywaists." The charismatic yet impotent "singer" was awarded this year's Bleating Heart by the American Sheep Slaughterer's Association for his emasculated version of Hank Williams' "You're Bleating Heart."
