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from: tadpole
205.232.39.140
6/1/00
6:05:07 PM
may 2000 =====================================
I’ve been thinking about you and Mac these past few days…When I found out about Mac I was sitting out here on my patio, looking out across to the mountains, typing notes into my computer, drinking my coffee….and then I read Carol’s e-mail and I thought…….“fuck”…….that’s all, just “fuck”….what can you do?…..what can you say?…..I thought about Mac and figured he’d deal the way he’s always dealt with life; straight up without bitten or crayon about it…..and so I just sat here…in thought…
You know, we all have to work, take care of our lives, survive, but beyond that what is there?…I don’t spend a lot of my time running around trying to escape boredom, or look for ways to achieve greatness and status, or try to acquire a lot of junk….no, I tend to contemplate…to read…to observe…to educate myself about this life, this reality and the people around me…(of course I have a vision but that’s another story)…
So I sat here…thinking….thinking about you and Mac….thinking that you two are different…thinking that I don’t really like most people, let alone find anything to respect about them….but then who am I anyway?…to judge…
I have no wealth, no status, no fame….yeah, none of the things this glorious, capitalistic world treasures and accords respect…no, I’m nothing, and have no desire to attain…and if this also means that I will be judged and respected, or not respected by others, the greater society, according to these values, than so be it…because I don’t need anyone’s respect…I have no need to be part of someone else’s reality…
So what then is my reality?…how do I see? and judge? and value the world? the people around me? myself?….
I’ve come to believe that most people in this modern, cyber-driven, virtual-life are, if not soft and heartless, then ignorant, self-centered, full of shit and/or themselves…what is valued in this reality?…“wealth?”…so that we can acquire junk and live in comfort?… indulge ourselves in order to escape the boring reality of who we are, or aren’t ?…”freedom?”…the freedom to do what?….dance around in the fucking sun?….to be bloated with self-importance?…can I, like others in this society, respect and admire people who are soft, ignorant, have no heart, because they have wealth?…status?…
The reality that most people do not recognize is that you have what you have, only because it is afforded to you by a greater society…there aren’t any fucking natural born rights…there isn’t any fucking mandate from heaven….there isn’t any god that governs your rights and privileges…No, the rights, privileges and opportunities that give you your life are only afforded to you by a greater society which others have fought and died to defend; by the principles which others have fought and died to uphold…
What do we respect?…What do we value?…wealth?….status?…do you think these snot-nosed cyber-punk millionaires ever stop for even a millisecond and consider where their freedom and opportunity come from?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
….do they value, honor, respect those that have stood, and fallen before them to allow them their bourgeois life?…we needn’t even go that far…pick any SUV-driving, palm-pilot-cell-phone dipshit offa the street…
That’s why sometimes when I teach class and have to engage with some of these arrogant idiots clowning around town in their make-up and designer clothes, sporting their Rolexes and flashing their gold cards…puffing up their chests…you think I give a shit?…I always remind them…yeah, just remember, you only have ”your” success because someone else has fought and died to allow you your freedoms, rights, opportunities…and as easily as you take them for granted now, is as easily as they can disappear….so before you feel so good about yourself….before you fill yourself with such self-importance, you ask yourself…”am I ready to fight and die, or watch my children die, to afford me this life?”…are you ready to take a bullet through that Rolex and up your ass?…you fuckhead…if not, then maybe you need to have that smugness pimp-slapped offa your face…yeah man, when Mainland China comes knockin’ these bitches are the first to run for the rear exit…
So what do I value?…What do I respect?…
Integrity and Heart…
I’m not so naïve as to believe that every individual who picks up a weapon and goes to war deserves respect, or that it is any measure of anything. I’m sure that there are a number of sociopathic macho assholes that just enjoy killing…and I’m sure that there are a great majority that don’t know why the fuck they’re out there and are just trying to keep their asses alive…
What do I respect?…
In this world my opinion has little meaning because I don’t value or seek to attain those things that would accord me respect by the larger society…given that, I respect and value those individuals who have the heart to live and die by their principles, have integrity, not only display courage but have a sense of humility, have the will to do things which exceed their physical, mental, emotional and possibly spiritual capacity because of a sense of righteousness and honor…
Wealth?…Status?…Fame?………man, I couldn’t give a fuck….
So for what it’s worth I have a lot of respect and appreciation for you, Mac, and other men and women of your kind…In another time perhaps, I would, as humbly as possible, like to believe that I could sit among people like you and Mac…
I sent a card off to Mr. Mac a few days ago and am trying to work out a visit to him in the near future…trying to work it out…
Take care..
