Taco Time

from: $2 Bandito
12:49:42 AM

On my way home I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset at me.

ME: ``Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.'' IT: ``Is that it?'' ME: ``Yep.'' IT: ``That'll be $1.04, eat here?'' ME: ``No, it's to go.'' [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

IT: ``Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.''

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT: ``Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'' MG: ``No. A what?'' IT: ``A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.'' MG: ``Ask for something else, there's no such thing as a $2 bill.'' IT: ``Yeah, thought so.''

He comes back to me and says

IT: ``We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'' ME: ``Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?'' IT: ``I don't know.'' ME: ``See here where it says legal tender?'' IT: ``Yeah.'' ME: ``So, shouldn't you take it?'' IT: ``Well, hang on a sec.''

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and

IT: ``He says I have to take it.'' MG: ``Doesn't he have anything else?'' IT: ``Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.'' MG: ``I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'' [my emp] IT: ``What should I do?'' MG: ``Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'' IT: ``I can't tell him that, you tell him.'' MG: ``Just tell him.'' IT: ``No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.''

The manager approaches me and says

MG: ``Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night.'' [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.] ME: ``Well, here's a two.'' MG: ``We don't take those either.'' ME: ``Why not?'' MG: ``I think you know why.'' ME: ``No really, tell me, why?'' MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.'' ME: ``Excuse me?'' MG: ``Please leave before I call mall security.'' ME: ``What for?'' MG: ``Please, sir.'' ME: ``Uh, go ahead, call them.'' MG: ``Would you please just leave?'' ME: ``No.'' MG: ``Fine, have it your way then.'' ME: ``No, that's Burger King, isn't it?''

At this point he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

SG: ``Yeah, Mike, what's up?'' MG: ``This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.'' SG: ``Really? What?'' MG: ``Get this, a two dollar bill.'' SG: ``Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?'' [incredulous] MG: ``I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'' SG: ``So, the fifty's fake?'' MG: ``No, the $2 is.'' SG: ``Why would he fake a $2 bill?'' MG: ``I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'' SG: ``Yeah...''

Security guard walks over to me and says

SG: ``Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'' ME: ``Uh, no.'' SG: ``Lemme see 'em.'' ME: ``Why?'' SG: ``Do you want me to get the cops in here?''

At this point I was ready to say, ``SURE, PLEASE,'' but I wanted to eat, so I said

ME: ``I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.''

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says

SG: ``Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'' MG: ``It's fake.'' SG: ``It doesn't look fake to me.'' MG: ``But it's a $2 bill.'' SG: ``Yeah?'' MG: ``Well, there's no such thing, is there?''

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least I'd get free food.



21 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 X 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1