Popeye-X has a new hero...


from: ka-dubya-la

The first I ever heard of Caligula was in 1980 when the movie with Malcolm MacDowell came out. I remember being pissed off at my girlfriend for taking me to see it. I got tired of watching Centurions blow each other. That ain't the same Sparticus I was raised on. Oh, right, like Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis would sodomize each other while waiting to be eaten by lions. No way, dude.

I thought the whole movie was ridiculous, by the time end came around, I was desensitized by all the gore. When the little girl was thrown on the concrete, and her head split open splattering mucho blood on everybody, I just laughed.

Yesterday, my know-it-all, lunatic-sidekick friend, Gypsy Doug, started teaching me about a whole bunch of things Caligula did in real life, amazing milestones that were never mentioned in the movie. I was astounded at how many things he got away with.

They say he was insane, but he's too funny to be doing it by accident. He had a remarkable grasp of how to use his dictatorial powers in new, increasingly innovative ways. He made it a law that every citizen of his country had to put him in their will. Then, anytime he wanted something someone had, he would simply order their execution, and inherit their stuff. Of course it was all LEGAL.

Anytime he wanted to be a god, he would order the government to write his deification into law, making it illegal for anyone to challenge his divinity, under penalty of death. That's so brilliant! Worship me as your GOD, right now, or else you DIE, right now! And, of course, its totally legal.

He murdered his whole family, except for his mentally retarded, crippled spastic uncle who no one could stand to be around. Caligula understood how royal power was tied to family bloodline, like the Cartwright's on Bonanza, except this time Little Joe [boots] had Hoss, Adam, and PAW murdered so he could keep the Ponderosa all to himself.

One of his favorite hobbies was to humiliate prominent citizens by sodomizing them in public, and after he got his rocks off, he would order their execution.

Caligula required the wives of the Senate to perform public service at the official whorehouse once a month. Their civic duty was to fuck whoever Caligula said to fuck. And if they refused, or even complained, they were executed for treason against Rome.

For entertainment purposes, Caligula ordered the construction of a Killing Machine that was like a Swiss Army Knife amusement park "guillotine", capable of killing a whole crop of condemned lawbreakers, in a variety of devious ways, and all in one pass, like a threshing machine tricked out with blades, spikes, pinwheels, bells, whistles, and moving mechanical doo-dads, like a merry-go-round of death.

Ever the prankster, Caligula showed up at his most loyal General's wedding, and interrupted the joyous occasion by fucking the lovely bride on the altar, as the groom watched in mortal terror.

One thing Caligula loved to do was extrapolate on someone else's idea. When his personal bodyguard slacked off one day and was found drunk, Caligula punished him by hanging him from the ceiling by the arms, so his feet couldn't touch the ground. Then, after tying off his weewee with a string, he ordered wine be brought and funneled into the soldier's mouth, until he was completely filled with all the wine he could possibly hold. Then Caligula asked him if he was happy to be filled to the brim, and bulging way out, about to pop. Offering to relieve the pressure, Caligula surprised the soldier. Instead of untying the knot around his dick to release the piss, Caligula used a short sword to disembowel him, and all the wine & piss came pouring out, along with all his guts.

Caligula loved making a big splash whenever possible. He even marched his army all around Europe, never went into battle. Finally, he reached the English channel, and started sword fighting the sea water, acting like he was thrashing Neptune. When the army laughed at him, he ordered them to march into the ocean, and attack the waves with their swords and spears. Then he marched them all the way back to Rome, entering town with the customary victory parade, celebrating the emperor's heroic triumph over the powerful god of the sea.



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