Re: Get your Massage Today!

from: Ed_Zeppelin
12:53:32 PM

(At the risk of posting this twice, I'm redoing it. For some reason my browser doesn't show posts. I'm not sure if it's the browser of the website, but if it's the latter PPX can just delete this. Hell, it ain't like I'm trying to publish the rosetta stone anyway.)

I am fascinated. Just when I thought there was no perverted act left, you come up with this. There's only one problem with it, and that's that I steadfastly refuse to consider anything lodged in my ass as a pleasurable experience.

(Call me old-fashioned...)

I realize it is a mainstay of the modern relationship, especially where I live, but I don't even like to get a prostate exam and my doctor is a little Filipino woman with tiny fingers. Once I drop trou and bend over, just the sound of the rubber gloves being snapped onto her hand makes my rectal starfish clamp up so severely you couldn't drive a needle up my ass with a sledgehammer. (Is that the opposite of being open-minded?) Then I spend the rest of the day wiping myself until I'm raw and thinking about GW's energy policy.

My wife, knowing this, would no doubt love to open the package and say; "hmmm. What's this, hon?" "Oh, just something I ordered over the Internet. It's a trainer for people who use joysticks too much and get carpal tunnel. Say, have you seen the Crisco around?"


Okay, that said, I showed that page to my wife, and we had a lively discussion trying to figure out what goes where. I really thought, because of the picture on the right, that the big thing is a grip and the wires go up your ass. But there's a notation about "adjustable perineal ('taint' to you Southerners) stimulator" or some such shit.

The question begs for an answer; what have I been missing? Do I actually NEED to prod my sexual innards into submission? Do I need to 'drain my prostate in a hands-free environment' or will whipping up some baby-batter while watching reruns of 'The Brady Bunch' still do the trick? Am I passe? Am I no longer hip?

The picture of the device on the right would indicate that the 'handle' goes upstream and you adjust the wires for better reception. Either way, somebody coming up to me holding that fucker by the wires, like it's some kind of demented dowsing device for someone who couldn't find their own ass, is going to get a frosty reception to say the least. And if they hold the 'handle' and suggest they're going to stick wires up my blow-hole and tune in the missing Mars lander, I'll make sure to set them straight.




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