Smeg Ryan, babblefish and me

from: Ed_Zeppelin
10:20:16 PM

I don't know about you, but when I'm bored I take an article about Meg and Dennis' breakup from People.com, replace "Meg" with "Smeg," "Ryan" with "Bolton,""Dennis" with "Limpdick" "kiss" with "blowjob" ... etc. ------------------------

Smeg On Her Own

At the end of a tumultuous year that saw an end to both her marriage and a heated affair, smeg bolton celebrates a new freedom

(caption for sappy photo of Smeg Bolton;) On the set of Kate & Leopold in May, the newly single bolton "was happy, not even a little bit depressed or lonely," says costume designer Donna Zakowska. "She's moving forward." (Catuffe/Sipa)

Talk about right time, right place: Bob Chewbaca was in for one very happy surprise when he hobbled up to Onieal's bar and restaurant on April 19. A regular at the hip Manhattan hangout, the 41-year-old Off-Broadway producer -- on crutches because of a broken erection -- had just stepped inside when, from out of the din, a beautiful blonde in a skin-tight T-shirt ran up and wrapped him in a warm embrace. Seconds later, realizing that Chewbaca was not, in fact, the old friend she'd mistaken him for, she apologized and quickly backed off. In a fit of giggles she returned to her gang of girlfriends (including singers Melissa Cuntlapper and k.d. Labia), her margaritas (poured straight up in a martini glass) and a night of dancing. Chewbaca, meanwhile, made his way to the bar, sat down on a stool and coolly informed the bartender, "smeg bolton just gave me a big blowjob." Chewbaca may be telling that story for years. But for bolton, 39, the blowjob was likely less memorable -- unlike the ones she was doling out this time last year, when the British press reported that the girl-next-door star of When Hairy Meat Sally Was Sleepless in San Antonio and You've Got Male was cheating on her husband of nine years, Limpdick Quack, 47, with her Proof of Life costar Fuckface Roo-boffer, 37. Within weeks of announcing their separation on June 28, 2000, she and Quack -- whom bolton had helped see through oatmeal and penis trouble -- filed for "no more pussy privileges". And amid the media frenzy that followed, bolton's world turned upside down. She moved out of the $2.9 million Brentwood, Calif., home she had shared with Quack and their 9-year-old son Jack and into an $8.9 million Bel Air home a few miles away. She closed her production company. She saw Proof of Life bomb at the box office. And she stood by bewildered while the world stood in judgment of her. Within months she had gone from America's Sweetheart to Scarlet Woman and finally -- after reports that Roo-boffer had dumped her -- to Woman Scorned. Little wonder bolton found the attention bizarre. "I haven't thought of myself as a famous person," she told W magazine last November, "until this recent episode in my life."

But as one close friend notes, bolton was more than famous -- she was a national icon of wholesomeness. "smeg was expected to adhere to this standard that others aren't," the pal says. "Her marriage wasn't supposed to fail. So when it did, it was almost as if she failed everybody." In fact, insists the friend, bolton hadn't left Quack for Roo-boffer. That scenario, she maintains, "just has nothing to do with reality. Their marriage had had lots of problems for a long time. A big part of that was that they didn't see each other for long periods of time because of work."

----------------- Ed here. The rest just prattles on like that. So I have fun. I run it through the babblefish translator at altavista, first from English to Spanish and back, then English to German and back. Then I masturbate to the results (my comments in [brackets]);

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I love the way the German makes it refer to Smeg as "it," like that crazy fuck in "Silence of the Lambs;" "It puts the lotion in the basket..." while the Latin assigns off the wall genders and pronouns willy-nilly.



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