We were taught that Christopher Columbus "discovered America" and refused to believe it wasn't India. (Actually, he never set foot on American soil.)

Even the name "America" came from an Italian pornographer named Amerigo Vespucci who printed up a map during a dry spell in the "stroke manual" biz, which was the first to show 'the New World.' Unfortunately for anyone who bought his map hoping to use it as a guide from one place to another, he made up details of whole continents that were, shall we say, INCONSISTENT with reality. However, since he embellished it with lots of naked women and such, the map was a hit with sailors, many of whom sailed to their doom believing that India was just off Greenland somewhere.

Chris Columbus was one such schmuck who happened to get lucky and didn't die somewhere between Lisbon and Havana. He was always pictured as a swell guy in a nifty fur vest and purple tights, sticking a flag in the sand before an audience of trembling naked savages.

Turns out he had a real thing about chopping their arms off, and beheading the rest to "save their souls." That's okay with me, but now when I'm so old, I've got to completely rehabilitate my substance-abused brain with a new perception about the grievous wrong done to native peoples 500 years ago, and why that means I shouldn't be able to have people wave to me from a parade float.

What the hell? Suddenly its all upside-down and those textbooks they gave us to read in the prime of our innocence were filled with horseshit. I say enough of that. It's time we called attention to another pack of lies that affect us personally, the lies forced on us by big auto companies.

I'm asking my friends to join me in a campaign to end this horrendous trend, and for the car companies to "come clean" with us. Therefore, I suggest that they change the names of autos to reflect the new, correct way of thinking. In the spirit of "inclusion" and "openness," I've decided to launch a campaign on behalf of my fellow man.

This is a list of my suggestions, please feel free to add your own;

Chevy Citation = Chevy Parking Ticket
Ford Pinto = Ford Spotted Horse (or bean)
Mercury Sable = Mercury Dead Animal Skin
Volkwagen Scirocco = Volkswagen Hot Air
Chevy Malibu = Chevy Oxnard
Lincoln = Nixon
Ford = cross a river
Dodge = avoid
Mercury = causes birth defects, makes you insane
Ford Tempo = Ford Beat
Dodge Viper = Dodge Rattler
Acura Legend = Acura Bullshit
Lumina = Flashlight
Pontiac Sundance = Pontiac Blinding Ritual
Ford Probe = Ford Rectal Thermometer
Ford Mustang = Ford Dogfood
Dodge Prowler = Dodge Peeping Tom

Please help me spread the word that car model names reflect our society as a hole and that together, we can change the world into a brighter and more loving place. (Except in Columbus, Ohio, soon to be renamed "Thieving Genocidal Pirate, Ohio".)