Mommy, what's a Jew?

from: popeye-x
4:16:12 AM

One time, me & my brother were driving with Mom in the car, and my brother pointed to a cement plant on the horizon with 4 really tall round smokestacks belching a 1/4 sky load of billowing exhaust, and he asked, "What's that?"

I replied, " That's where they gas the Jews!"

My mother turned around, "Don't talk like that! You mustn't be prejudiced against the Jews!"

Kyle asked, "What's a Jew?"

Mom repeated, "You mustn't be prejudiced against the Jews!"

I asked, "But what is a Jew?"

Very irritated, she put her foot down this time and said, "You mustn't be prejudiced against the Jews!"

I knew by her exact repetition of vocal pitch that any further questions would be the same as 'doing something bad enough to be in trouble for', so in my mind I thought to myself in little boy terms analogous to: "The most important thing I should know about Jews is I shouldn't be prejuduced against them. I knew what prejudice was for sure, prejudice meant dark skin color, that's why you're not supposed to say "nigger" any more, because we're all white now. But what I wanted to know was this: what color is a Jew? That's why they used to hate people, right? I mean, skin color why you CAN'T hate them, because their skin is the same as white now? Plus, I'd seen concentration camp Jews, and they were all white, but really skinny, and wearing those dirty pajamas, and lined up to go in the gas chambers.

"What color is a Jew, Mom?"

That did it. Mom exploded. "Just shut up, and don't talk to your brother!"

Kyle asked, "What's prejudice?"

Mom was nice to him, "Nothing honey."

It wasn't until I was in my late teens that I ever heard something about Jews that BLEW MY MIND. They DON'T believe in Jesus? This idea totally did not compute. How could someone not believe in Jesus? What is THAT supposed to mean? I honestly didn't think that was possible. It wasn't an option at all, it was truly unthinkable. I never heard of such a thing. It struck me as suicidal, like it was an automatic, irrevokable ticket to Hell forever, and this condemnation would happen the instant you thought it even once. It was way too risky to even test, like I might die and go to Hell within seconds of that particular VERY WRONG idea, so I dared not try it out, not even for one second.

If Jews didn't believe in Jesus, and they ALWAYS didn't believe in Jesus, then that was a lot longer time than the split second I was afraid of. I honestly wondered, "How is it they're still alive? Seems like they'd be dead by now for sure, God finds out stuff real quick, like right after you think something, He KNOWS what you just thought, and if it was WRONG enough, you could very quickly find yourself headed to Hell to go live with the devil, much faster than you'd be able to die. Of course, as soon as you got to Hell, first thing on the agenda is you would be burned alive in eternal fire... OWWWW, that hurts! And it burns you for the rest of the time you are dead, which is from the 'start' of your death, all the way to the end, which would never come. You'd die, but your pain from the fire would continue, and you'd be feeling it forever the whole time you were dead. One bad thing about being dead, the only thing you can still feel is infinite pain... without possibility of parole, like a life sentence of agony so relentless and persistent, it has whatever it would take to stick with you wherever you go, even to Hell.

Much, much later, I found out some things that fucked my head up even more, so much that I kinda lost track of where I thought it was leading me. This REALLY blew my mind... in fact, I honestly still cannot fathom what it means, but I know its true, its in the Bible, and there's no question about it.

JESUS wasn't a Christian! JESUS was a JEW????? Oh, my head hurts.... what the fuck? How could Jesus be a Jew? Jews don't believe in Jesus. Are you telling me Jesus doesn't believe in Jesus? Jews don't think Jesus is the Son Of God. If Jesus is a Jew, then He doesn't believe He's the Son Of God, so he must not be a real Jew... and then I realized what the deal was!

I get it! Jesus is WHITE!!!! A Christian is just a white Jew! My Mom was right all along! We ARE all white now! Thank you Jesus!

Then, the final piece of the puzzle fell into place with a sickeningly massive thud... like a block of stone so heavy, once it fell onto its side, that's the end... and that fact was this...

Hitler, the guy who gassed the Jews... was... yes, a Nazi... but them Nazis were not only all WHITE... they were all CHRISTIANS, too!

Oh, FUCK. Jesus was a Jew. Hitler was a Christian. Hitler killed the Jews. It can't get any worse...

I was soooo wrong. To top it off, the Jews killed Jesus! Actually, the Romans killed him, but it was the Jew's fault, soooo... at least the Romans had Jupiter instead of God. And then, like a nightmare that never ends, I heard of the Roman Catholic Church. What?

And so, I conclude by asking one more time...

"Mommy, what THE FUCK is a Jew, GODDAMNIT?"

So help me, if she were here now... and she answered in that same tone of voice... "You mustn't be prejudiced against the Jews!", I honestly think I would just throw up my hands and say, "I give up. I'm running away, I going to where I don't have to figure out any of this bullshit!"

She would then ask, "Where are you going?"

And I'd answer, "Back to Africa, to be a jack rabbit... I mean a jungle bunny... oh, shit, I mean a drum monkey... I just want some piece and quiet before I go completely ape shit... "

Then I read in the Bible that the Jews came from Africa... oh, no... isn't that where King Kong was from?

It was all too clear after that, I finally put together the missing piece... the Romans made one lil' typo, and caused all that confusion. It was that lil' sign the put on the top of Jesus' cross, it should have read: "Jesus H. Christ, Son Of Godzilla, King Kong Of The Jews", and the H stands for Hitler.

NOW I know what a Jew is.



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