Re: the Count of Melted Crisco

1:42:04 AM

"It's ok," I found myself saying, standing in the parking lot. "I'm fully satisfied. Ok, ok, you're a little on the small side, and didn't last as long as you might have, and there was that odd taste...but don't worry. I don't mind." I held the now-spent cylinder in my hands, feeling almost sorry now that it was over... Or, at least, that's how it could have been. I'm not much of a label-reader (quelle surprise,) but standing in the sweltering heat, readying myself to don my leather jacket, leather gloves, and helmet, I glanced at the label of the "Citrus Slammer" beverage I had just imbibed. It was only out of sheer desperation that I drank it at all; I was borderline hypoglycemic, and needed sugar fast. Citrus Slammers are disgusting. They're like a combination of frozen orange juice concentrate mixed with vegetable oil. Yes, just that yummy. One of the ingredients is, in fact, partially-hydrogenated canola oil. Why do you need, or even want, vegetable oil in a beverage? Ick! But you know, we got them at K-Mart, what should we have expected after all. So in desperation, I drank the last one left in my tank bag, and shuddered the slow, creeping kind of shudder you get from just having ingested something unnatural. I waited a few minutes for it to soothe my frazzled metabolism, and as I waited, I read this on the label: The label says, and I quote, "if you are not satisfied with the quality or performance of this or any other American Fare product, please return the unused portion in the original container to any K-Mart store." "Performance?" Since when does juice "perform?" Not only do I have to worry about sex and performance anxiety, I have to allay any fears of an empty container of juice of leaving me unsatisfied? "No, really, you were good. No, I don't have any complaints. Honestly. I feel great. Invigorated, ready to go. I've never had a juice like you before, baby. No, I mean it. You were fantastic. I may never need juice again." And then, of course, there's the bit about returning any unused portions to the nearest K-Mart. "Hi. Welcome to K-Mart. How can I help you?" "Um, yeah. Hi. I'm....I'm...." "...Yes?" "I'm dissatisfied with the performance of your juice." "...the...'performance'...of our juice." "That's right." And so forth. Plus, this particular container of "Citrus Slammer" was exactly eight fluid ounces. Your basic chug of juice. What would I return, the dregs? A quarter-inch of shiny, vaguely smelly yellowish-orange substance? That would equate to admitting that I a.) purchased it in the first place, and b.) actually drank some of it. [shudder] Finally, there's the part about, "in the original container." "Hi, I'm dissatisfied with your juice." "Ok, I can refund your stupid two bucks. Where's the unused portion?" "It's right here, in this used tire." "..." You see the trouble. At any rate.... Motorcycles perform. Stereos perform. Even chairs, lamps, and pens perform. But can a juice really "perform?" Really? Maybe Gatorade, or PowerAde, or one of the sports drinks, but come on, American Fare, this is high fructose corn syrup with partially-hydrogenated canola oil we're talking about. Xanthan gum, even! Performance? What can I say, it slid down my throat faster than a tablespoon of Crisco?



21 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 X 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1