Re: not right for a hollywood movie

12:42:33 AM

I enjoyed that even more than the last time you posted it on 3/11/01. At that time I had just joined this soiree ("swa-ray" for any Trailer Park crowd who might be poking around in here) and left the following comment, which I think might be worth repeating as well. <p> <p> ------------------ <p> Sure, that's right for a Hollywood movie. Especially since Quintintin Tarrantino started making pieces of shit like "Pulp Fiction." That movie was so bad it made me feel like I was one of the other people in the bar you described. <p> Try to imagine outakes of John Trevolta doing that scene where he and Tom Cruise are trying to kidnap Nicole Kidman. <p> Chili: "Ah, c'mon, you silly bitch. All we want to do is take you into that building over there and hook you up to a machine... I'll give you a big Mac with vegamite if you'll do it... please?" <p> Samuel L. Jackson: "So what do they call a 'Big Mac with Vegamite' in Paris, Chili? <p> Chili: "They call it a 'Royale avec fromage du zephyre la morte' - the wind of death'" <p> (Nicole, as Chili's best friend's Australian nymphomaniacal sheep-substitute, "Embraceable Ewe", turns to face Tom and, with a smirk on her face, hikes her leg and makes a sound like a watermelon breaking in half.) <p> Nicole: "Heh? You loik tha? I goh anothuh! A 'Butlah's revenge!'" (whereupon she smiles sweetly as a dense green cloud begins to pour from under her miniskirt) <p> Tom: "Nicky, it's been four days since you had a session with the 'e-meter.' L. Ron said 'that's when the 'winds of death' come through you' [Note; from L. Ron Hoover's sci-fi classic "Death-winds of the software salesmen of Alcoholodor"] the crew is crying! Hey, baby, what did you eat? Sulphur tinged with apricots?" <p> (He turns to face Quintintin, who is - ironically - playing an asshole) "Oh yeah, you little shit. Cry now? How about writing a fucking script that makes sense to anybody besides your fucked up cult-of-personality art-crowd ass-kissing entourage, huh, asshole?" <p> Nicole: "Phew!" (wrinkles perky nose in disgust) "Tha one was a bit like sucking rotted mustard gas and applesauce out of a dead wallaby's bum!" <p> Tom and Chili: "Nicky, I know it's not in the pre-nup, but you've got to go into that building over there and let us hook you up to a machine! We're shooting this scene in a zoo, and the neighbors are complaining about the stench!" <p> (Chili, in an aside to Tom:) "Try that bit from Jerry McGuire!" <p> Tom: "Hello. You're the first thing I think of when I'm shearing my sheep in the morning. You're the last thing I think of at night when you hold the covers down over my head and lob an 'air-biscuit-of-death' at my face. You're the first thing I think of in the bathroom, just before I light a can of Glade with my lighter. Wopner's on at 4." <p> Nicole: "You had me at 'hello.' ... Wapna? Bluddy Wapna? Woi, I bet you boi ye undeweia at bluddy K-mat, too. En you're a real good drivuh, and can count dropped toothpicks. Yer in the wrong facking film again, Tom! I tried to tell you to lay off that jizz-juicer machine again, Tom. Now I'm going to leave you, pout over my $40,000,000 a year alimony and shag all your friends, 'cept that wanka Quintintin! Heah, let me blow you a kiss goodbye! (bends over, raises miniskirt...)<p>-------------------------------------<p>End of original post<p> Footnote: I was referring to Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's breakup, with John Travolta and Tom Cruise (who are Scientologists) failing to get Nicole (who is not) to allow herself to be hooked up to an electric gizmo called an "e-meter" that shocks the livin' shit out of you. (I'm not making that up. Scientologists pay thousands of bucks to get zapped, thereby driving the evil spirits out of them. Again, I'm not making that up.) Nicole blowing revolting gases out of her gorgeous asshole was just an interesting mental image, as is Tom in blackface doing Samuel L. Jackson and forgetting which fucking Tom Cruise movie he's in. (If I had to do it over again, I'd drop her Aussie accent, though.)



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