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One time I was at Mike Taylor's studio, he was playing a track by Mario and Stacy, 4 simple chords, I picked up Taylor's Alembic and spent about 60 seconds trying to make up a bass lick that fit it. I couldn't do it. No matter what I imposed on it, it wouldn't open up to me, like a pussy with a dinner roll crammed in it, blocking the entrance. I thought, what the fuck is this? Then I realized, the perfect bass lick for this is no lick at all... none... just trace the basic 4 chords at the regular rhythm, and that would yield the best bass part for that particular section, sometimes the chord progression itself is the bass line notes, and the basic rhythm of 4/4 is the best placement in time for the bass. I started playing only the roots on the kick drum beats, and by the time 60 more seconds went by, I had nailed the perfect "non embellished straight bass lick of no lick at all", just the pitches and the rhythms. It was perfect because I didn't make up notes to snazz it up, its intrinsic structure was all it needed, in fact that was all it would tolerate, and I knew it within 2 minutes, and I nailed it. Then Mr. Record Producer Studio Ace Mike Taylor spent4 or 5 days with 3 other bass players trying to get a suitable track of bass. What I played wasn't considered "final" because I'm not considered a "bass player", even though I've played bass longer than any of these cats. First he brought in Dwayne The Blind Guy, an incredible bassist from Austin, he played a bunch of flowing licks, then Taylor brought in Bassie from One Destiny, probably the best bass player in Texas, and according to Taylor, he "couldn't get it" either. BASSIE couldn't get it? You're kidding me. Taylor said, "Nope, it was nice to see that he's human..." Then Taylor said, "Finally I got it", and he played it for me, it was him playing about half of what I played, and the rest was embellished bullshit. I looked at him in amazement. "Bassie was human?" You've got to be kidding me. You dumb fucks overdubbed bass after bass after bass on this simple part, and you never could get it because you aren't SIMPLE enough, no you're too busy trying to seem "noteworthy" and "fluid", its a bunch of phony baloney bass player bullshit notes ON TOP of the rhythm, not down in it, like mine. I nailed that part in 2 minutes tops, and I understood exactly what worked and why it worked. Taylor spent the better part of a week being baffled by it and finally blamed it on BASSIE BEING HUMAN, which is utter nonsense, he is a GOD of bass, he ain't human at all. The only reason he "couldn't do it" was he was following what Taylor's vision of it was, and until you grasp the fundamental science behind THE NOTES in the composition, you will never play anything but lounge lizard Tony Levin imitations. That's when I realized Taylor doesn't know jack shit about REAL BASS and how its "built in", like a counter top in a kitchen. He also demonstrated he didn't know shit about CHORDS or RECORDING or having the knack to quickly boil down the bullshit and accurately assess what was needed. No, this "producer" spent DAYS trying everything under the sun, and finally settled for a half assed attempt at exactly what I played on the track. I told myself, "this guy is wasting your time by giving you no bass credit, even though he's imitating you... and poorly at that." After that I decided to play all my own bass from now without any oversized dorkus doofus studio shitheads TRYING to find the magic note to solve it all. Its a simple thing called rhythm and roots, and if that's not fancy pants enough for you, maybe you shouldn't be a bassist, perhaps sucking a donkey dick and reading Bass Player magazine while you whack off is a more appropriate application of your vastly disappearing ability to simply play a bass... THE bass, THE ONLY possible bass, the bass inside itself, only the kick drum knows its name... well, there's me, too... its name is ONE and THREE, ONE and THREE, that's the 4 chords, its over. Repeat without dressing it up... if you can... but YOU CAN'T. You're like an ugly girl who thinks if she hides behind makeup she's not ugly anymore, "no one can tell". I can fucking tell. I can tell you're the ugliest, stupidest, most ridiculous recording idiot I've ever seen. You're 50 years old and you can't even negotiate the path of a simple country tune without flubbing the chords. Why? Because you've never learned how to HEAR on the PHYSICAL plane. Instead, you "hear" what you've decided you're going to hear ahead of time, you don't actually listen to the sound, that's why you can't seem to find the right note. You think its a certain fret, but actually is a certain STRING, all the strings, on all the frets. Its called BASS you dumb-ass, and if you can't nail bass within 2 minutes, GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE and out of my way, you silly asshole.

ANTI POPEYE X FAN CLUB
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