What He Failed To Mention

from: the rest of the story

they noticed he wore no batting gloves, but nobody asked him why he didn't chew any tobacco, either. It is common knowledge that many, if not most, professional baseball players constantly chaw on a big glob of brown slop, constantly spitting tidbits of it in every direction, with that serious ball player look on their faces, except for a big bulge in one cheek, which looks so odd, even little kids are wondering, what the hell has he got in his mouth? I assumed it was what was left of the last baseball the umpire rejected as "too fucked up to hit any more", or maybe its one of those little white bags pitchers are always picking up and dropping, a few times I've seem a quick glimpse of the edge of the huge lump in their mouths, and it was always very dark, almost black. They used to say it was tobacco, but now tobacco is considered to be toxic poison, they've admitted they use their urine, the cats out of the bag, why continue to hide the unpleasant truth? My only question is, what are they toughening up this time? Their breath? Their lips? Their spitting ability? Maybe it has something to do with the way they chatter at the batter sometimes. Do pros even do that? I know third base coaches, pitchers, and especially catchers are always scratching their balls, touching their hats, spitting, dropping down one or two fingers for a split second, and then scratching their balls again in the exact same spot... sometimes the pitcher will watch the catcher do this and he will shake his head as if to say, "no", then the catcher will suddenly get this itch again, but he'll scratch two balls with three fingers that time, the pitcher might nod "yes", and then throw the ball, AFTER spitting once or twice, but I've seen them shake their heads "no" again, and sure enough, the catchers balls will start itching again, in a slightly different way though, because he might slap his thigh, raise gis fingers up to his mouth for a quick lick on the tips, and then tap his scrotum 2 times, and hold one finger down for a split second, I figure he's getting a little juice from his chaw to toughen up his balls so he won't have to wear an atheletic cup and wind up with "jock balls", a condition which makes ball player's wives gag whenever they come within whiffin' range of their hubby's love taters. It is my theory that they chaw a little stump of their own shithooks, so their mouths always taste like an asshole that never stops pooting. The reason they do that is so their wives would much rather have sweaty balls stuffed in their mouths than even think about kissing those stained lips or have that shit stained manly tongue shoved down their throats while urine toughened hands grasp thier tits and buns. Much better to not even be touched by the man, except for the relatively small area inside their mouths where sweaty balls are massaged and then spit out before they can be smelled by nostrils that are still quiverring in fear and dread from what their best friends, the taste buds, told them about that nasty brown chaw plug their manly stud husband has to have for his JOB.



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