what's goin on

from: Mugtoe

I've been blue the last coupla days. Dad wasn't doin so well, though he's much better now. And my partner's havin troubles up north, though he's doin better as well. I was out tossin a tennis ball to the dog this evenin after takin a walk through my garden, and my hens - my girls, I call em - came runnin up to me. The dog didn't jump at em this time and wont' anymore, I think. I also realized they're likely pretty old to be so tame - a fact not portrayed by the folks at First Monday where I bought em, but no biggee, and I just felt okay all of a sudden. Things aint' easy always. That's the nature of things I guess. And I haven't always been equipped to deal with things just the way they are. But Creation itself sometimes conspires to let me know that it's just okay the way it is. I took advantage of that this evenin and called a friend, a dear friend, who was diagnosed schizophrenic a year or so ago and bailed me outta serious stuff years ago. I told him I love him a lot. And I told him that I know it's okay the way it is just this moment. That's enough for now. Ya know, we do what we can for the ones we know. And we're given what we need to do that. And that's enough to make me happy. So why am I cryin about it. Workin in the dirt the last few days - pullin weeds by hand in that messy spot. Spendin time by myself with the dog for company while Dad was havin his troubles, and not knowin what's to come, I wasn't alone. Seein the hundreds of ladybugs around my hands and mixin my sweat with my Dad's affection and love for this farm in the dirt all around me was the best thing I could do for me and for him. It's late. We have to return to the hospital in the mornin for more tests on Dad. He'll be okay this time, I've no doubt. But none of us have any guarantees. This time I've spent here on the farm has become more than I thought it was to begin with. I'm worn out tonight, but I also feel a little redeemed in some ways. There's nothing I can do to adequately repay him for all those years bailin me outta jail and waitin on me to get it right. But at least I'm here. And we have stuff growin and he's excited about it. I'm excited about it. There's real Grace in that for me, and I hope for him. I'm not as bad as I thought I was. I love this place, and I love my Dad. And I love seein everything around me grow and be renewed.



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