popeye-x salutes the REAL cowboys from HELL

you mean NOIZE!!!!!!!

from: call it what it sounds like
05-01-29  23:01:04

"that's just a bunch of noize!" Uncle Bob has said that a thousand times... and I keep saying... but Uncle Bob... THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL IT, TOO! to them, the fact its noize means something philosophical, and above all... SCIENTIFIC! Let's zone in on the subject by starting at the beginning... I'm not talking about destroying EVERY great historical tradition that has lead to this point in time... so don't get me wrong.. I may not be as far out to lunch as some might assume, we've all heard the prideful swelled up across the board condemnations of the local "third coast music network" DJ's, "YOU WILL NEVER EVER HEAR THAT NON_INSTRUMENT, THE SAMPLER, ON MY MUSIC SHOW, NOT AS LONG AS I REMAIN STANDING..."

 ok, let me be the one to break it to you gently at first, but... you know those CD boxed sets of hank williams outtakes you cherish so highly? "yeah..." well, each and every CD in that boxed set has samples on it, and NOTHING BUT SAMPLES.... so you see, not only would you play a "sampler", that's ALL you've ever played, and you didn't even know it! And you're right, it can be used as a NON-INSTRUMENT, in fact, that's the ONLY WAY you use it! "Well, its got the original signal... unaltered!" So what you're saying is, all music is locked in place, its already been established by the greats, and it happens to match the boots and hat your wearin', and you don't wanna go and mess up a perfectly good uniform that means something timeless... "yeah, that's right!" ok, cowboy, be my guest, but kistening to that CD don't make you any more or less of a real cowboy just like watching Bonanza and "getting it down pat" doesn't necessarily mean you're a cocksucking homosex-you-AL...

huh? whatchoo talking about? I'm talking about rough and tumble guys, having good natured rough and tumble fistfights, rollin' aorund in the cowshit and straw, and laughing and drinkin' whiskey and gettin' all tuckered out and it being a two hour ride all the way back to the Ponderosa, so two cowboys just naturally share a sleepin' bag, a plate of beans, and a chaw of tobaccy, you know what I'm sayin'?..."sort of... but I don't like the tone of where this is going..." don't worry, its all familiar territory, I just wanna "hip" you to what's happenin' to your beloved television cowboy lifestyle...

"wait a second... cowboys don't watch TV!" that's right, they sure don't... but you do... right? "well, yeah, that's how I even heard of 'em" you ain't never owned a horse, right? "I own a Ford truck!" but do cowboys on TV drive trucks? ""yeah!, on the commercials! yeeehaw!" are you trying to tell me that stampede of cattle ain't real? listen to that! thousands upon thousands of insane cows running amok going "mmoooo" "mooooo" and those thundering hooves! I even hear Indian whoops ans bullwhips and six shooters and everything in that one truck commercial.... and a steel guitar, too? damn right! a steel and a fiddle, just like grampa and grandma used to play, you gotta have a fiddle in the band! yeehaw! ok, pardner, we're almost there.... "I like my music live, in a honky tonk!" ah none of that fake stuff, eh? nope, REAL MUSIC for REAL people drinkin' REAL beer... and gettin' REAL drunk, right? damn right!

There Stands The Glass....

I'm Not Talking About The Whiskey Grampa used to make, I'm talking about the crack cocaine grandma used to smoke!... and White Lightning is still the biggest thrill of all... yep, that LSD crap can't hold a candle to this beer I got permanently mounted in my hand... looks cool don't it? yeah, I bet you drink a bunch of those right before you pass out at the DJ console, just long enough for my synthesizer to sneak in thru the bathroom window, and come up behind you, and SHOVING THIS EMPTY Lone Star beer bottle so far up your ass, your fucking eyes start glowing like ol' Hank... "wait just a dadburn minute..." SHUT THE FUCK UP! "hut..." SHUT UP! I SAID SHUT YOU BLEEDIN' HOLE YOU COW TURD POLISHING jackrabit penis!! "huh!" OK, MEN RELEASE the SAMPLE STAMPEDE! suddenly from the speakers there rushes a mighty thnderous mind dulling roar as 19 million buffalo SAMPLES go roaring thru the glen.... "what the fuck was that?" THAT my friend, was the power of electronic music, cleverly taking one prarie dog, smashing its guts ut on a steel plate, and snorting every last gooey drop until it all gone, then count to three, touch your wee wee and puke them guts thru yer nostrils into the "Recycloner", sooon that prarie dog DNA is multiplied and regurgitated by this special stomp box used by johnny cash when he used to pop a lot of pills... finally, VIOLA! there it is, the new album by George Strait, but just as a special treat, to some of his loyal fans like yourself... "yeah?" he's decided to come out of the closet and change his named to George Gay, and he's already going on tour with Elton John and George Michael Not-So-Straight.... "aaarrrrrgggggg.... this shit is killing me!.... please shoot me, please ill me!" nope, sorry, you're my lab rat now... and let that be a lesson to you... besideds... anybody witj any brains at all knows rap started with SQUARE DANCING... grab yer partner dosey do, biyatch! spin her around and promenade the ho! raise your guns in the air! "this is actually starting to get familiar..." "what channel are we on?".......... don't ask me, I'm just here for industrial reasons, and also to gas a few JEWS...... Saddam Hussein rides off in the distance as weapons of ASS destruction burst forth from the open sections of cowboy chaps all over the stadium... Turd Toast RedNeckwork can SUCK MY SYNTHESIZER's dick! bite me crank you worthless two bit washed up non musician pieces of horse doo doo



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