Pool season's coming

from: underwater squatter

I saw the weirdest thing once. There was a movie on the 'net where some pervert had taken an underwater movie camera and simply held it below the waterline, and wandered around sticking it in between women's legs as they thrashed about. I know he did it for some nefarious purposes (namely sitting in a Lay-Z-Boy recliner with a bag of cheetos in one hand and his orange dick in the other, ogling on his monitor the thinly-veiled aqautic crotches straining against their prisons of cloth, yearning to flap in the current) but it didn't have the desired effect at all. It was a complete disappointment as porno. You'd just see legs flapping idly by in every direction and occasionally someone gliding by at the bottom of the pool, and then suddenly the camera was three inches away from a thrashing pudendal mound for a brief second, trying to follow it without too much success as the camera, the pussy and the photographer all joggled around in the chest-deep water. After the crotch-shot, it was just a blur from the cameraman/pervert's efforts to snatch shots (and vice-versa!) without sticking his head underwater and just looking through the fucking eyepiece. (The clip had a really obvious mid-80's vibe to it, so you can imagine the technology involved.) You gotta admire the effort, like those geeks in school who actually shined the shit out of their shoes just so they could imagine having seen the briefest glimpse of real, honest-to-Pete SNATCH - because that was as close as they'd ever get to any - so they could recall the scenes later in astonishing detail during furtive self-wrestling matches in bed, under his blanket-cum-puptent (hey, that's the first time I've ever used the word "cum" in it's proper context!) Yeah, well those guys, you know who I'm talking about? Well, one of them got an underwater camera. Are you with me? At first, some prehensile male part of my brain went "OH BOY! PUSSY!" but that quickly gave way to a sort of stuttering awe. How in the... who in the... what kind of fucking FREAK would jerk off to this... wha? It was like the Anti-porno. The opposite. So bizarre because underwater everything kinda floats and bounces (especially cameras, apparently) and yet so soothing and rhythmic. It was like a ballet would be if everybody didn't look so fucking poncy, and just stripped down to their skivvies and floated and kicked and thrashed all higgeldy-pigglety. And to top it off, your brain is seeing all this from the point of view of some dumb, hormone-driven entity who persistantly sticks that fucking camera right up there so he can see them two gigantic outer labia grind together for a brief instant before being flung in another direction and having to readjust to your surroundings. (It'd make a hell of a theme-park virtual reality ride, wouldn't it?) Now, the reason I bring it up is because Summers comin', and the pools will be open. I'm thinking this would be perfect video for music. Maybe we could go to hotel pools or private pool parties (I can just see Kurt in a hot tub rubbin' his pathetic nub to imagined details from the REAKTOR user's manual) but some instinct tells me the toughest part is going to be explaining the movie camera to the other people in the pool. You know they're going to say something. Especially if you see somebody grinning like a buffoon, casually trying to hide the UNDERWATER MOVIE CAMERA in their hand as they slip into the pool, and then kinda mosey over to shove it up their snatch as you try to engage some casual conversation... what do you say to somebody else in a pool, anyway? "Nice hair?" I don't know, some people just seem to be able to pull shit like that off. So find somebody like that and have them make you a video for your music. Do me a favor too, don't introduce them to me. Since I don't know anybody like that, and I'm the kind of person that seems to instill the need in people to get OUT of the pool as I'm getting in, the chances of my doing this are nil. I look suspicious enough without a fucking UNDERWATER MOVIE CAMERA.



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