Tired Lemon Jefferson
11 Jun 2005

HOW TO SING THE BLUES 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. "I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town." 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. "Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Barbara Bush and he weighs about 500 pounds." 4. The blues are not about limitless choice. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkiní plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixiní to die. 6. Teenagers canít sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Alamo Heights. 7. You can have the blues in San Antonio, but not in The Dominion. Hard times in Helotes or Boerne are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 8.The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve 9. You canít have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. 10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. the empty bed Bad places: a. The Riverwalk b. Gallery openings c. weekend on the Guadalupe 11. No one will believe itís the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man. 12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state, like Georgia b. youíre blind c. you shot a man in Memphis. d. you canít be satisfied. No, if: a. you were once blind but now can see. b. youíre deaf c. you have a trust fund. 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues. 14. If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, itís the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. wine b. Irish whiskey Muddy water blues beverages are NOT: a. Any mixed drink b. Any wine kosher for Passover c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors) 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, itís a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment. 16. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Ho 17. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)



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