Otto Industries gets a call from the Better Business Bureau
FROM: helping to sustain the eternal vigil
against scumbags and night crawlers
"hello, is this the person who runs
Otto Industries?"
uh, yes it is, but now it is called 'Church Of Machines' since its less like a normal service industry, and more like an antago-nostic
pseudo-religious cult... kinda like an electronic
meditation asylum, only much, much LOUDER.
"we want to put you on our exclusive list
because you have a clean record, this is
like a feather in your cap since its by
INVITATION ONLY! no scumbags allowed!"
it is? why thank you very much. but wait,
you say you're against scumbags?
"yes, scumbags and night crawlers"
wait a minute... i like to crawl at night! this is
not one of those high and mighty fancy-pants churches. in fact, anyone will tell you, we're
very, very LOOSE around here...
like WAY loose, know what i'm sayin'?
the real truth is: i've never had anything close to a dissatisfied customer. i make sure all my clients get the deal of a lifetime, every time. the ONLY complaints i've had were from one woman, who wasn't even my customer, rather she was
a jilted lover, out to cause trouble.
"did she contact us?"
yes, she did, but it was a long time ago, i got a Better Business Bureau Complaint Form
in the snail mail. let's see... it was almost
10 years ago! October of 2000!
actually, she thought my song, HOLY COW, was about HER... btw, its an instrumental, you snitch-ass bitch!
"well, now we want to put you on our exclusive list so people in your area
ok! that sounds pretty cool, actually!
"yes, Mr. Otto, and this will be for
an annual fee of only 450"
hold on there... do you mean,
4 dollars and 50 CENTS, or do you
mean 4 hundred and 50 DOLLARS?
"that's $450, sir"

ok, i'm definitely NOT interested... but thank
you for your time, and i wish you a lot of luck! BYEEEE!!!

like i'm going to pay THEM $450 to put their official seal of approval on MY website? ooo, but my  business name 'Church Of Machines' is going to  be listed on THEIR site... and they get a LOT of hits! oooo, did you say LOTS and LOTS of hits? i figured i'd be making YOU famous, instead of the other way around! here's why:

i get over 15,000 VISITS and at least 1,000 downloads of my shit, every month. presently
i have around 60 titles available, my most
popular download at the moment is
in April, 2010, it got leeched 256 times,
and that's just one song...
my most abrasive and musically brutal composition is probably the notorious BRAIN-MUSIC  i know for a fact it was downloaded over 150 times last month. if there was ever an anthem for night crawling scumbags, that has got to be it! only a crazy motherfucker on dope would even be able to mentally survive the experience of listening to the whole thing ONCE, much less listening to it once a week, like i do. hey, why not? its been around since 1986, it's only 24 years ago. i'm only just now starting to get the gist of it, and i'm the one who created it! i have no idea who else is out there listening to it, i can't even imagine how their demographic pigeonhole could be described...
you just know they gotta be
the only thing that comes to mind at the moment is "night crawling scumbags", whatever that is.
i guess, when it comes to Church Of Machines,
the Better Business Bureau is shit out of luck,
just like those Bolton-sucking
Turkie Nazi and Tacki Fishkebob.