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A Recipe For Death
from: popeye-x 10-12-02
in a message dated 12/1/2010 10:33:49 P.M. Deivis Zid firstname.lastname@example.org
hi, i'd like to get amphetamine recipe :) u would really help me, and i'd improve my chemistry too :)
my webpage is just a joke, i'm not a chemist at all, only a writer with a twisted sense of humor.
this whole ball of shit was set in motion by one of my stories, i think i wrote it in 1981, entitled: CHEMISTRY its a story about me being a little boy, age 8 or 9, who loved to play scientist, you know, wearing a lab coat, settiing up my kid's chemistry set, and pretending i was a scientist? i even wrote "otto labrotories" on the wall and since i knew ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about chemistry, i would PRETEND i was making poison. that's what scientists do, right? make poison.
i loved mixing anything with everything, including whatever i found in my mom's bathroom:
Crest, Comet Cleanser, Listerine, Rubbing Alcohol, Mr. Clean, 409, Windex, Clorox, Diaper Rash Ointment, Elmer's Glue, 3 in 1 Sewing Machine Oil, Vick's Vapo Rub, Noxema, shampoo, Alberto VO5, Vaseline, Alka Seltzer, Bactine, Deep Woods Off, Mentholatum, Ben-Gay, Deep Heat, shaving cream, Mercurichrome, Ora-Gel, Anbusol, Woolite, Campho-Phenique, Lemon Pledge, Prell, Drano, Compound W, Neosporin, Lavoris, Oil Of Clove, Pepsodent, Old Spice, Aqua Velva, after shave, Clearasil, 20 Mule Team Boraxo, asprin, Cough Drops, Calamine Lotion, Jergen's Lotion, Brylcream, Butch Wax, Ajax, Arm & Hammer Baking Soda, Chapstick, Hydrogen Peroxide, Epsom Salts, Tiger Balm.
the list goes on and on.
i'd mix it all together at random into a messy glob, then i would put it on a slide and actually look at it with my little kid's microscope and say very scientifically: "yep, its definitely poison" once i even found a dead fly and stuck it in the blob and showed my mom, "see? the fly is dead, that proves its poison" she didn't seem to mind i was totally lying, "isn't he cute? my son is playing scientist" actually, it was only make believe.
most of the time i played cowboys or soldiers, but i played scientist, too, i even had a clipboard and several ball point pens. all of that really happened.
but then, when i was a teenager, i started writing stories, trying very hard to be funny. my grandmother would pay me $1 per page to type out whatever i wanted, copying was too hard, so i just made up ridiculous bullshit and typed it out, ok? again, it was only make believe, but you could read it.
when i was 29 years old i decided to write a book made of short little stories and articles that were totally stupid. the whole thing was a total farce, just a bunch of big sounding titles, with stories that were just a cop-out, cutting every possible corner, using slang, and never getting bogged down with literary filler or fancy words where i had to use a dictionary or a thesaurus. i opted to save time by just making up total horseshit endlessly from simple ideas i already knew how to spell.
i got this idea for a story about making poison from when i used to make believe i was a scientist, but i embellished the truth, it became "allegory", fiction loosely based on reality, in my case, VERY VERY LOOSE, the looser the better.
that idea became a fictional story for my book, The Toiletside Reader by Dr. Popeye X, 18 years later it wound up on the internet, the title of the story was: CHEMISTRY
people, mostly kids, started writing me emails asking me how to make cyanide and meth, my story never mentioned meth at all, in fact, it never mentioned cyanide either, i only said "poison" and titled it "chemistry".
the story said a friend's dad was found dead on their living room couch. i also mentioned he was a bad alcoholic. the reason it seemed ok to test my poison out on him was because since his son hated his guts so much anyway, it wouldn't be any great loss if it worked like a charm.
for some reason, bunches of readers assumed i knew something about chemistry, despite the fact it clearly stated i was only PRETENDING to be a scientist. i got so many emails asking for recipes it became very obvious i should make a special page, offering them exactly what they wanted, DOWNLOADABLE CYANIDE AND AMPHETAMINE RECIPES
of course to really give kids that knowledge would land me in prison as soon as someone got hurt, its totally ludicrous, but its just another webpage created simply for the sake of laughing at how completely stupid it is. but they don't care, they try to read thru it. i even had one guy say, "i read the page but i don't have time to go thru all this bullshit! can you just give me recipe?"
notice how there's a skull and crossbones? and pictures of skeletal corpses from a concentration camp? in one photo, the pope kissing a bag of cheetos, it talks about dipping cheetos in anbusol to reduce the pain caused in the roof your mouth from being up for days, speeding your brains out, and eating too many cheetos.
no one gives a shit if its totally wacked out, they still ask me how to make cyanide and meth all the time. massive amounts of visits to that page and dozens of emails from all over the world... not even one was about cheetos and anbusol!
ok, do you know why i put a skull and cross-bones and pictures of dead people? think about it.... DEAD PEOPLE. if you fuck around with deadly poison that's what you're going to end up with... DEAD PEOPLE. you could easily be one of them.
the penalty for cooking meth is just like armed robbery, manslaughter, rape, arson, or kidnapping. in other words its BAD!!! 30 fucking years in prison. if you poison someone and kill them, you'll either get the death penalty or life in prison, which is worse.
obviously, my webpages about chemistry are completely implausible... patently ludicrous.. IDIOTIC! if they were real, they wouldn't exist, because i would be in prison and/or sued by a bunch of parents with kids serving time or pushing up daisies.
what possible motivation could i have for providing this information to you? what would i be getting out of it? the satisfaction of having your family wanting me dead?
i hate to be the one to break the news to you, son, but i don't know jack shit about chemistry, never did. creative writing? yeah, i've done that, if you wanna call it that. yes i typed it out, yes i gave it a title, it was my idea, i made the whole thing up by myself. i guess that's called creative writing. i created it, i wrote it. why the fuck would i even do that? it was a lotta work! what did i get out of it?
laughter, perhaps some money, fame for sure, but that's just more laughs, right?
my writing is a joke, but you being in prison or dead is no joke. if you want drugs that bad, just go buy them! its much much MUCH MUCH cheaper. guess what? that's the way the law is set up, so you'll buy your drugs from the government instead of the black market. go buy yourself a fifth of vodka, its legal, but watch out, the guy who died in my original story, how did he die? it was from poison no doubt, but who's?
alcohol kills WAY more people than cyanide and amphetamines combined! why are they illegal if alcohol is not? alcolhol is a far more deadly poison than any drug except for one... tobacco. when it comes to deadly recipes, NOTHING else even comes close: ALCOHOL + TOBACCO = A Recipe For Death
and i thought MY STORIES were stupid!
so you see... in the end, my stupid stories are actually kinda smart, and they have a nice ending and it goes like this:
DON'T DO ANY DRUGS AT ALL! you might live happily ever after...
i hope it was as good for you as it was for me, you'll have to excuse me now, i feel like getting fucked up!!!
ANTI POPEYE X FAN CLUB
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