bicycle flat tire tutorial by popeye-x

from: PPX 12-04-12 bikes

glides forward effortlessly, great gear ratios, comfort tires

let's start with a few fundamental concepts:

you've bought all the fancy shit, the kevlar tires, the self-repairing tubes, you've even tried out the GUARANTEED TO NEVER GO FLAT or your money back! bullshit, right?

bottom line: you still ended up with a regular cheap ass tire and the SECOND cheapest tube they sell, right?

you've already found out THE TRUTH about bicycles and flat tires... you WILL get them you might as well just deal with it... QUICKLY... CHEAPLY... one fucking time, once for each flat.


can you patch a tire? of course. can you patch a tube? of course. can you use a can of fix-a-flat? of course. can you carry a spare tube, special bike tools, and a small pump just in case? of course.

does any of that work? oh, OF COURSE! does it solve the problem? OF COURSE NOT! why?

there's the rub. its that "why". there are lots of possible "why's". try to discover them and you will, you'll even invent new why's nobody's ever heard of, your BIKE will invent them for you. so will your mind. it can go on and on and on...

bike shops are in business because people will NOT deal with the realities of riding a bicycle.

bike pros are full of shit, trust me. i am NOT full of shit. again, just trust me.

here it is: WHY you have a flat is irrelevant. WHY you need to not have a flat is the ONLY important issue. get that thru your fucking head up front, or you may as well stop reading now. (i'm just being honest)

read my lips: CHANGE THE TIRE AND THE TUBE TO BRAND NEW ONLY. you might want to upgrade to more expensive shit, this would be the time. otherwise buy the same as you had, but get brand new everything, PERIOD.

remember the main rule: FIX IT ONE TIME ONLY! one fix for each flat ought to do it, the point is you want to ride it over and over... not FIX IT over and over. got that?

so now you get out your special bike tools you bought, right? FUCK NO!

you immediately grab the same old rustly piece of shit channel grip pliers you've had for 30 years and you use that for everything, including taking the tire off the rim. but its the wrong tool! why use it? because you can find it immediately, it should already be in your hand. hurry up and get it over with!

remove the wheel: unhook the "brake thingie" or remove one brake pad. loosen the center nuts A LOT! pull the wheel off. make all the air is out of the tire by pressing in the valve stem. with what? ANYTHING!!! use the tip of anything small,

squirt liquid dishwashing liquid all the way around the rim of the wheel, on both sides, so its slopping dripping gooey SOAKED with liquid. squeeze the tire away from the rim and stick the end of the handle on the pliers, OR WHATEVER, under the tire and wedge it out past the rim. won't come out? MORE FUCKING LIQUID LUBRICATION! you should be able to use your fingers. whatever you use, once its out, run the tool all the way around so the tire comes off on that side. now do the other side, just get it off. the tube will come off with the tire. TOSS THEM BOTH IN THE TRASH!!!!

get the new tube. unfold it. pump a little air into it, not a lot, enough so it looks like a bicycle tube. stick it inside the new tire. locate the hole for the valve stem in the wheel. stick the valve stem thru it, put on the cap so it stays there. again, squit dishwashing liquid all over both sides of the inner rim of the tire. center the tube in the rim and squeeze one sider of the tire under the lip of the rim. hold everything in place with both hands. without losing your hold, force tyhe opposite inner rim of the tire under the rim of the wheel at some point. now go around the whole tire/wheel, holding it all in place, and poke the tire under the lip. it should go right in. if it doesn't, USE MORE DISHWASHING LIQUID LUBRICATION! not only should it go right in, it should be EASY AS FUCK! if its not, you're not doing it right. anything that's a struggle or that causes you anxiety and repeated failure is a sign: you're not doing it right! its designed to be simple and easy as fuck! learn how to do it.

ok, pump a little more air into it so its in there tight without you holding it in. make sure the valve stem is sticking thru the hole in the wheel rim straight out, NOT AT AN ANGLE! if its at an angle, take the whole thing off and do it again, but this time keep the valve stem straight out.

put the wheel back on the bike. make sure its lined up right so it turns freely, without hitting either side. tighten the nuts tight as fuck. pump it up to 50 or 60 pounds. if you're using a hand pump, that's about 25 strokes, the last 10 will be hard, but pump that sucker up hard as fuck!

reassemble the "brake thingie" or replace the pad you took off. test the brakes. do they grab like they used to? they should.

ride your bike in a circle for a test. feel good? is the tire pumped up tight as a motherfucker? YES?

you are done. spray off the liquid lubrication with the water hose. oil your chain for the fuck of it. wash your hands, you're thru. ride your fucking bike.