News item [truth-enhanced version]

9:05:20 AM

Plane Crashes Into Fla. Skyscraper<p> TAMPA, Fla. (AP) - A 15-year-old student pilot was presumed dead after crashing a small plane into a downtown building Saturday, where it lodged midway up a 42-story bank tower. <p> Authorities identified the pilot as Charles J. Bishop, of Palm Harbor. [Spokespersons said he was found midway through a bathroom wall on the other side of the building with his head up his ass.]<p> Tampa Fire Department Capt. [and forensic Clearasil expert] Bill Wade said authorities could not positively identify a body in the wreckage because they were still trying to get to it, [but they presume it is Bishop because headphones still attached to the alleged Bishop's splattered skull were playing Blink 182 at top volume.] <p> Bishop's grandmother took him to the National Aviation Academy flight school for a 5 p.m. flying lesson, said Marianne Pasha, a Pinellas County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman. ["I've got Alzy's, you know" she repeatedly mumbled to authorities. "I meant to tell him to have a safe flight, but I might have told him to fly into the side of a building like a goddamn dart and take a couple of lawyers out, I just don't know. Maybe he's like me and thought it was a poll booth, and just pulled the wrong lever."]<p> She said an instructor told Bishop to check the plane's equipment before the lesson. [Upon further questioning, the instructor admitted he had actually asked the alleged Bishop to let him check HIS equipment, whereupon the alleged Bishop reportedly replied; "That's it, I'm getting a Lawyer right NOW!"]<p> ``The next thing the instructor knew he was gone,'' Pasha said, ["but he says that a lot anyway."]<p> Though terrorism was quickly discounted, the televised image of a plane blasting a hole in the side of a skyscraper was a chilling reminder of the World Trade Center attacks. The plane's tail dangled near the 28th floor of the 42-story Bank of America building.<p> Michael Cronin, an attorney [and pinhead] for National Aviation Academy, said Bishop had been taking lessons since March 2001 and had logged about six hours of flight time. <p> He said the boy often bartered to clean planes in exchange for flight time and was very familiar with operations at the school. Cronin said students do preflight equipment checks on their own, then have their accuracy verified by an instructor. ["That's the official story, anyhow" he continued, "but in truth 'cleaning planes' is a euphemism my clients use for 'sucking cocks,' and 'preflight equipment checks' is just another way of saying 'butt-fucking.'"]<p> ``The bottom line is he essentially stole the aircraft,'' Cronin said. ``We aren't going to speculate what his mental state or motivations were. [But have you met the boy's grandmother? Totally batshit. After talking to her for five minutes I'm surprised the supple athletic young lad didn't top himself years ago. Crazy old cunt.'']<p> ... ... ...The 28th floor houses the law firm of Shumaker, Loop and Kendrick. Managing partner Greg Yadley said one attorney and her husband were [debriefing each other] in the offices at the time of the crash, but were not injured. Hours before, he said, an attorney had been at a desk the plane smashed into. <p> ``It could have been possibly a tragic situation,'' Yadley said. ``We were lucky.'' [I swear, that's the original sentence. Read it again. Fucking Lawyers.]<p> Attorney Rogell Rovell was working on the 41st floor Saturday when the plane crashed.<p> ``I heard a loud bang,'' said Rovell. ``It wasn't particularly loud. It sounded like an electrical transformer [worker] blowing [a greased frat boy].'' <p> In Portland, Ore., where President Bush was touring a job center, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said ``there is no indication'' of terrorism. <p> He said Bush was briefed on the incident and that White House officials had been in touch with Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge and the Federal Aviation Administration. [President Bush reportedly replied; "No shit? Flew a plane into the side of a fucking building? A white boy? What a dumb fuck! You can only get away with shit like that if you're in your daddy's car in Maine with two teenage whores and a couple bottles of Jack. Hey Tom, did I ever tell you about the time me and Jeb were fucking these circus act bitches in a hotel in Palm Beach and I did so much coke I was slamming my face into this one ol' girl's cunt and couldn't feel a fucking thing? Goddamn, my face felt like wet cotton! Haw haw!]<p> Gordon Johndroe, a spokesman for the Office of Homeland Security, said there was also no sign of terrorist involvement in small plane crashes Saturday in California, Colorado and Puerto Rico. ["People just can't seem to fucking fly on Saturday anymore. Hell, I don't know" he added.]<p> Capt. Kirstin Reimann at the North American Aerospace Defense Command said two F-15s were scrambled from Homestead Air Reserve Base as a precaution, but declined to say whether they reached the scene before the crash, [or why two perfectly good f-15s were 'scrambled' instead of 'flown.' Seems to me scrambled pilots was the problem in the first place.]<p>



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