Re: rave review

9:57:17 PM

See what happens when you tinker with your sphincter? My virgin asshole makes nice smooth ones with finely tapered ends (that's to keep your asshole from slamming shut, by the way). Besides, you call that a dump? I wouldn't post a picture of a little chihuahua turd like that out of sheer embarrassment that people might think my powers were failing me and I had turned to evil, small-minded acts of needless cruelty to housepets. I'm afraid your "statement" will be seen as a cry for help, rather than the political call-to-arms you had hoped for. (The sunflower seeds were a nice touch, though.) Case in point: long-ass drive this past weekend, we get to a town best known as being home to John Steinbeck, and spied the welcome sight of a Denny's by the highway. Now any seasoned traveller knows that Denny's is the best place to take an emergency shit because unlike fast-food joints and shopping center bathrooms, chances are hoodlums haven't pissed on everything and ripped up all the paper towels and stuffed them into the commode in an attempt at sophomoric hilarity. Nor have any of your gender-challenged brethren drilled dick-sized holes in the partition, the better to eye your drizzling equipment at a time when normal people crave solitude in which to enjoy their physical relief without chancing a pervert pulling his pathetic dork out and poking it through said glory-hole and you being caught without your swiss-army knife. This Denny's, true to form, was comfortable, obsessively clean and even had very good rock-n-roll music piped in. Unfortunately, it was also, like I said, located in John Steinbeck's hometown. Now, don't take this next part wrong, but I grew up with Meskins. My mother is from New Mexico, where we lived when I was a boy, and we also lived in a border town by Juarez, Mexico where I was the only white kid in school. Now ANY 12-year old boy is capable of rendering intestinal gases that can melt concrete, but there is something about the combination of corn, lard, beans and whatnot typical of the average meskin diet that creates a distinctive stench, particular when wafted your way atop an air-biscuit by a smirking classmate. After recess, the smell of those same ingredients as exuded from the sweaty pores of a bunch of kids around you in a dank classroom is enough to make you faint, or want to badly. Many years have gone by since I had to endure that particular nasal torment. Again, I'm not prejudice against latinos, I'm just making a statement of fact that I believe most meskins would agree with me on, especially if there are any teenage basketball players in the family (and with 23 kids, what are the odds?) Well, let me tell you, I hit that Men's room door like a fullback, thankful that nobody was in there, sat down and began giving birth to a future Republican, when it hit me. The bathroom, though clean looking, was absolutely RANK with BOTH stenches. It was like being dropped into an out-house pit behind an illegal cornchip factory. OH MY GOD. Apparently whoever had occupied that particular throne before me had run a couple miles to get there and deliver a load of tamale shit. Reba McKintyre was yodeling on the cheap speaker and I was sitting there with tears in my eyes trying to decide whether or not to hold my breath. I even thought of curling up to get a lungful of my own stench, on the theory that a little of my own was infinitely preferable to suffering scalded lungs at the smell of someone else's. Suffice to say I almost blew out my colon getting that job over with and heading back down the highway with all the windows open, with my head hanging out like my dog's, gasping for air.



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