Dear IOC


Dear Int'l Olympic Committee, I would like to comment on the obviously biased and politically-motivated judging that has deprived me my gold medal in Women's Ice-dancing. I would also like to notify you of my intent to pursue legal action forthwith unless you also bestow a second gold medal on me. Everyone knows by now the medal isn't for who skated best, it's about correcting perceived unfairness in the new global atmosphere of money-sodden whining that sports has become. I insist that I was intentionally deprived of the gold medal in Women's Ice-dancing for the following trumped-up reasons; (1) I am not a woman (2) you obviously are discriminating against me because I am a lesbian (3) I can't skate to save my life (4) I didn't compete. As to the first charge, the fact that I am a man cannot be considered as a reason under our laws of equal access to public facilities, therefore, since I'm not handicapped other than having an extremely large penis, your withholding of the gold medal is sexual discrimination. The second reason, that I am a male lesbian, also cannot be taken into account because I was not only NOT going to skate, I was also planning on NOT eating pussy during the ordinals or short program (though I did consider it for the finale of my long program, which- since I wasn't going to be skating or competing in any way- would be extremely long, somewhere in the neighborhood of two weeks). The third consideration for your denying my gold medal- that I can't skate- is very flimsy indeed. My inability to skate derives from factors beyond my control, namely that I'm fat, old and have never had a pair of ice-skates on my feet in my whole fucking life. Therefore you would be violating the Americans With Disabilities Act. It's not my fault that those other girls are beautiful, graceful, pubescent hotties whom I would give my left nut to let them do a "sit-spin" on my face. While they were wasting their time learning to do toe-loops and camel-back flip-floppers or whatever the fuck they call it, due to further physical problems beyond my control I was stuffing my face, watching TV and in general being a lout. So who is the victim here? Finally, the fact that I didn't compete, or even apply to compete, and wouldn't go anywhere near Salt Lake City if you let me put Gwen Stefani on like a gasmask and flounce around the Tabernacle naked, also cannot be used as an excuse for this miscarriage of your own bylaws. Frankly, I didn't fill out an application because I already knew the match was rigged and I'd have been laughed at. I would have just been facing the same rejection I've known all my life, so why should I waste my fucking time? There is my self-worth to be considered, much less my faulty body-image, eating disorders and wounded inner child to be taken into account. Can you imagine how my life would have been ruined should Sarah Hughes or Michelle Kwan mistakenly be awarded my goddamn medal? I doubt even you cold-hearted corrupt motherfuckers could have dealt with that kind of pain without topping yourselves, or at the very least marrying another couple of adolescent cousins just to shake the jitters. Now you guys went and fucked up by setting the precedent of awarding more than one gold medal in any event, and let me tell you it really opened a pandora's box for you assholes. You now have absolutely no reason to deny me my gold medal. I even have a nice place picked out for it (on the mantle next to my backstage pass for the final night of Spinal Tap's world tour). Of course, unless you send me that fucking medal immediately I will have no choice but to sue you for, uh, $300,000,000 in light of the endorsement deals this will cost me, not to mention product tie-ins in whatever piece of shit movie Arnold or Bruce comes out with next. My attorney, J. Cochran, has been instructed not to hesitate in playing the "fat, white potato" card and ripping your witnesses to shreds based on things they did in kindergarten. I figure you are in the same boat Michael J. (a previous cliant of J.C.) was when they caught him giving oral exams to cub scouts on sleepovers at camp bubbles. If he'd have just coughed up a few mil when first asked, it wouldn't have cost him the umpteen million later and revealed his true pathetic nature to his (former) fans, thereby costing him any future Pepsi deals and forcing him to attempt hitching his pathetic almost white pee-pee to Elvis' estate while performing ever-increasingly embarrassing "comebacks" with his brothers like a zoo act for forgetful middle-aged Boltonista fans who happen to remember the words to "Billy Jean" and hum right through the line "the kid is not my son" without sensing the slightest taste of irony. Let me tell you, shitheads, gimme my goddamn medal now or next Olympics I WILL skate. And you don't want to see me in a skintight sequined crotchless skating outfit. Trust me on that.



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