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I like to think of this place as Pappy's Diner. It's pretty run-down (for one thing, it's always Feb. 4th), the formatting option is long gone, there's roaches in the corners and what once was Pappy-X's pride and joy is now pretty seedy. Not many people will venture into this part of town anymore, not since the railroad siding and the steelmill closed down. But you can still find interesting conversation, good arguments and a decent bowl of fuck at three in the morning. Every once in a while some moron comes by with an unsolicited opinion about Michael F. Bolton, right-wingers or somesuch and get their asses handed to them in a styrofoam takeout box while their hat is crammed onto their head and Pappy-X shoves 'em out the door. ("Ruffling," indeed...) Those jukebox thingies on the tables don't work, of course. Kids kept sticking sugar in the coin slots. Fucking brats. Okay, still with me? That's what all this shit with Stash was about. Since there's only a few regulars who give the slightest damn about what goes on here, I picked the nicest, most inoffensive person doing the least threatening thing to give a little hotfoot to. It took forever to figure out that the most consistant trait that I could even fake umbrage with was the thing about posting links in response to other people's posts. Absolutely ridiculous. I figured you guys would see through that shit in a heartbeat, unless I just slathered the bullshit on with a trowel and made it seem like the end of the fucking world or something. I actually had to send emails pretending outrage and delving into Freudian motives for such an outrageous "offense," yet nobody came to his aid. On the contrary, Pappy-X couldn't wait to blab about the "plan" just to throw some fat in the fire. Originally it was supposed to be sort of like Haiku, mysterious and baffling, just a post or two from some of the regulars where it would be difficult to even fathom what the hell we were talking about. One or two irrelevant links. Can you imagine? It would be a real hoot, like joshing Goober down at the filling station 'cause he wore boots and his pals wore Converse All-Stars. Can you picture that? Or some guys in the military razzing old Sarge that he farted in his sleep... You get the idea. Well, that's not exactly what happened, is it? I honestly didn't think Stash would get offended. I mean, c'mon, we're talking about somebody posting links here. I kept expecting someone with some "pull" to jump in and tell me to go fuck myself with a mag-lite and sing "You Light Up My Life" or something. I tried posting a gazzilion links myself in sort of a spasm of ridiculousness, like that Salvadore Dali sculpture of a Volvo with grass growing all over it and a statue of a bare-breasted woman planted on top holding a water hose. What the fuck does that mean? Well, there's an old principle of salesmanship called the "porcupine." It goes; when someone hands you a porcupine, what do you do? Hand it back, of course! Every sale has a porcupine. ("How much does it cost?") And there's always a way to hand it back. ("How much do YOU think it should cost?") To clarify; you can find out what's on somebody's mind by mirroring their objections. ("Does it come in blue?" "Do you need one in blue?" "Yes." "Okay, I'll just write that here on the invoice..." Ka-ching! Sold to the man with the porcupine!) When Stash took offense at my porcupine, namely by making it personal and (after flummoxing around trying to figure out if it was me or Mugtoe fuckin' with him) reacting so angrily, hey I had to find out what was going on there. I mean, I could have said his computer monitor was too small or I didn't like his ISP (I've gotten that one myself) instead of focusing on something so picayune as links. Suddenly I'm getting a cheap psychological profile about anger management, the concepts of copyright law are flung about in heated exchange and the witness is boo-hooing into a hankie in front of the jury. I thought for sure somebody was going to see through that shit and I'd be busted for sure. I mean, how much can you say about posting links? Especially when you get a reaction like that? I realize I could have just said okay, jig's up, I was jus' fuckin' wit youse Stash, but I was actually interested in where it was going. It's like being defensive about what you know is an ugly haircut. It reminded me of this kid in 3rd grade who thought he was hot shit. One day I told him he laughed like a girl. Then I told another of my friends to say it to him as well. That's all it took. You could see the sumbitch clamp up every time anybody said anything funny, and he started withdrawing and choking himself off all the time, scared to death he was going to laugh and everybody would laugh at him in return. He got all worked up about it and wanted to beat me up and shit. I was like; "huh?" I mean, what are you going to do about somebody like that? As long as he left me alone he was fine (relatively) but one day he worked himself into a rage and pushed me from behind. I just turned around and yelled as loud as I could "YOU LAUGH LIKE A GIRL!" and the fucker went red as a tomato, ran off and never fucked with me again. He didn't actually laugh like a girl, by the way. I just picked some little thing that would bug him. A porcupine. If he had said "yeah, and you fart like an old woman" we'd have laughed like 9-year-old boys and been pals. Same with Stash. Once this thing got "legs," as they say, all I had to do was keep up the momentum. It was like a porcupine-juggling act there for awhile, but I was the only one here who knew it! "Thread Continuity?" What the fuck is that? "Anal Retentive?" Sounds like somebody sucking buttermilk up their ass with a straw. "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" (That's because I passed the audition but they haven't called yet. Stay tuned.) The idea of my needing somebody to worship me is appealing, same as for Pappy-X when T&T came around. He said "you want to fuck me, don't you?" and never let it go. No matter what they tried to do, he just stuck to it like a pitbull. AND IT WAS HILARIOUS. "Ruffling." "Irrelevant Links." See? They're cousins! No amount of clamoring for heads on platters or blood in the streets had the slightest effect, because once you know the motivation (as triangulated by tossing a couple of porcupines a few times) you don't have to go anywhere, you just keep up the momentum. Why? You may ask. Fuck if I know. Like I said, to me the biggest surprises of this whole thing were that nobody jumped in to call this horseshit horseshit (and you fellers know your horseshit) and that Stash got so worked up about something so obviously patently STUPID. Okay, that said, if you're still with me; I apologize. I mean that. Never meant to hurt anybody's feelings, don't want Stash to go off and never laugh again. It was less than nothing, and that was the point. As for me, I think this porcupine-tossing is kind of fun but not at the expense of somebody's dignity, not that I have any but I can imagine if I DID. I think I should use my powers for good instead of evil. Hey, I'll go fuck with Hoss. Yeah, that's it. Okay, Stash. You're off the hook. Pals? Truce?
ANTI POPEYE X FAN CLUB
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