Thurmond not dead,
collage by ed zeppelin
Washington- Scientific and citizen's groups voiced their concerns today to a Congressional committee delving into the unaccountable survival of Strom Thurmond
The committee, which was formed to find out why nobody has tried to shoot Sen. Thurmond, met today in a local strip bar. There, amid the
bad disco music and writhing African-American
lapdancers, Congressmen heard (barely) from a small group of concerned citizens.
The director of the National Institute for Greater Good in Everything Racial, Dr. Rufus Leakey
Washington-Jones phD., told the committee; "Ah just don't understand it. Shee-it. I mean, how could this ignorant, mealymouth trash-talking corrupt cracker still be alive? How come nobody has tried to
blow his wrinkly motherfucking ass away yet? Hell, I think Strom might already be dead and they just prop him upright with a stick up his ass to keep him from falling over. He don't even breathe! He just sits there glassy-eyed all day, and nobody wants to sit next to him 'cause he smells like
old ham and feces."
"You ever see the burn scars on that clumsy motherfucker from setting
fire to all those crosses over the years? The rope burns from hauling all those boys into the trees? The goddamn blood on his hands from siccing po-lice dogs on babies? I realize there's a certain veneration for the Civil War in North Carolina, but that doesn't mean we have to have a veteran of it in Washington."
"Hell, he should be varnished and set up in a town square somewhere as a Civil War memorial, with a big red button people can push to hear a recording of him telling his favorite nigger jokes. 'looks like somebody threw away a perfectly good nigger! ... 'they don't mind fucking us, they jus' don' wan' t' go to SCHOOL widdus!' '...den da parrot on his shoulder say to de psychiatrist; 'Can you get this nigger off my ass?'"
Offering testimony for Sen. Thurmond was
Terd Newgent, guitarist for the band "Fucking Yankees," who told the committee; "Storm rocks, man. He's just so fucking out there, dude, that his, like, vibes are so centered, y'know, that he like doesn't fucking NEED to breathe. In fact, he probably couldn't fucking breathe if he wanted to. Look at some of the fucking skanky rich asshole that poor bastard has had to stick his face into over the centuries, and you'd look like you were dead, too. Back in, like, 1850 or whenever the fuck he was elected, fucking Storm was there at the docks watching them like unload the fucking slave ships, going "dude, I don't think this is a very good fucking idea, man." Right on! It, like, totally makes me want to put
a fucking arrow through a, like, commie white-tail buck or something, and grab my
Byrdland guitar and bang out all four of my chords.
Not that I'd fucking hear it, 'cause of those fucking
Marshall amps they made for Jimi Hendrix and me back in the 70's. I'm deaf as a fucking post, dude. Me and fucking Pete Townsend, like, are both like that and man, I won't even fucking say how HE went deaf 'cause it involves shit with, y'know, pale teenage English boys that I don't EVEN want to talk about. Other than that, you won't even see me and that goddamn fruitcake in the same sentence. Used to be, you could stick your fucking head out of your hotel room door and yell 'who wants to fuck?' and like fifty 13-year-old girls would come screaming at you, but after those cute little English bands like the fucking Who and Frampton Peters came along, the fucking hotel corridors looked like a goddamn boy's volleyball team. So I got a contract rider for some vaseline for my loincloth and...
[at this point Newgent was reminded of the subject by the committee chairman, who also had a
record company executive order another round for the committee]
"...And Storm don't do
drugs. Listen, I don't like fucking need to
blow some crack or take grass to get
high, either, man. Storm Thirdman and his daughter Ooma are like both like that, so cut the fucker some slack, Jack. Wanna see my tattoo of Reagan?"
The director of the Bio-actualization Loving Organically Workshops and Judicial Oversight Bureau Symposium (a national
Guy/LesPaulian/bicycle/trans-grinder association) testified; "The nurturing miasma within the organic zeitgeist transfers, through self-actualization and channeling of chi and biorythmic guided-visualizational, a bio-energetic frequency from the inner child/victim chakra to the disenfranchised center of loving, non-judgemental paradigm outsourcing for personal perspective management strategies and self-awareness techniques. This can only lead one to conclude, based on careful studies merging Academic protocols and really wild parties with those hot UPS delivery guys that..."
At this point the session was closed by order of the chairman, who had passed out under a table and was now laying in a pool of his own, and other's,
vomit. Further meetings of the committee are tentatively scheduled for next weekend.