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03-01-13
17:05
Dear Perverts,
Today I am going to go over my guaranteed strategy for giving a woman an orgasm. So let's get on with it.
First, you need 20-30 feet of good nylon or polypropylene rope, a pair of hand-cuffs, some bungee cords, a wire coat hanger and a lighter. No, wait a minute...that was my last girlfriend.
Let's start simple. Sex for a woman is as much psychological as it is physical. So it is important, on occasions when you know you're going to be stuffing the sausage, to create the proper emotional mood.
Following are a few simple elements you can employ to help create an environment conducive to love.
1. Plenty of hard liquor. 2. Lithium 3. A shower (with soap) 4. A clean, comfortable, private area, preferably devoid of any livestock. 5. More liquor (trust me...you'll need it.)
Once you have liquored up your date--I mean--set the mood, you must invest in at least five minutes worth of kissing. This lends an illusion of intimacy to the occasion which will make her feel more comfortable with you. And remember, a comfortable date is an orgasmic date.
Cautionary note...if you can feel her tonsils with the tip of your tongue you lose some of the intimacy.
The process of removing her clothes and getting her into the bedroom (or stirrups, whatever) is academic for the purposes of this discussion. I am assuming that you have already found someone retarded enough to let you put your tic-tac sized pecker inside her chum bucket. The point here is to bring her to orgasm while doing that.
But since I'm already late for happy hour at the Boom-Boom Room, I'm going to have to continue this next week. Make sure to tune in then for...
1. The Five Essential Steps for Foreplay 2. Sweet Nothings: What To Say During Coitus and 3. "The Donkey Punch": When and When Not to Use It.
