the 5 essential steps of foreplay


So you have your date sufficiently anesthetized and hand- cuffed to the headboard. Now what?

The important thing to remember is that a woman is like a vintage Panhead Harley...you have to throw a leg over and hang on with both hands - which it true - but more specifically, a woman has to warm up before you can get optimum performance out of her.

This warming up process is called...sexual harassment, by most of the women (and some men) who know you, but in normal circles we call it foreplay.

Since this is a term not related to drug use, day-time talk shows or animal husbandry I will define it for you. Foreplay is sexual stimulation leading up to, but not including, coitus.

When engaging in foreplay it is important to pay attention to all of the erogenous zones. This includes:

* Kissing the neck * Rubbing and kissing the nipples * Gently massaging the buttocks * Manual stimulation of the labia and clitoris * writing her a check to cash

However, the most important element of foreplay is oral sex. There are a hundred different techniques for this, from the faithful figure eight to the rather complicated rolled-tongue clam-digger. But no matter what you do it is almost impossible to go too far wrong as long as you a) spit out your chewing tobacco first, b) don't bite, and c) don't blow into it!

Oral sex as an element of foreplay is all about timing. If you're face-first in the promised land and working it like a dehydrated coon hound at the water bowl it is very possible to go too far. If your date happens to be fantasizing about a real man while your busy she just might reach an orgasm without any help from your pathetic pecker at all.

The trick is to bring her three quarters of the way up the mountain and then you can take the two minutes it will be necessary to plant your flag at the peak.

How to tell if she is approaching orgasm?

* Increased respiration * Moaning * Hips roll forward * She's awake

Since I have better things to do than pander to you nimrods all day I will continue this next week. You won't want to miss it as we will cover, how to tell the difference between an asshole and a pussy, the G-spot: Myth and Mystery and when light bondage turns into assault and battery.

I need a drink,



21 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 X 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1