Our Crack Baby

from: Lotteria

Hello Kurt:

"I was of course overjoyed when I gave birth to my first baby girl six months ago. "Karen" weighed six pounds and eleven ounces and had my Irish red hair and her father’s green eyes. Not that her father was around for the birth. He was just a close friend that I had had a fling with and I and my baby were probably better off without him around, to tell you the truth.

"The only thing the man and I had between us was the ‘glass pipe,’ but I swear that I hadn’t done any of that sort of stuff as soon as I learned I was going to have my baby. As far as whether he was doing it when I conceived is out of my hands. If he was, it was behind my back, because we needed every penny to pay the rent and couldn’t afford for it to go up in smoke.

"When I first caught sight of Karen, I knew she was perfect in every way-round, soft and lovable as heck. It was only after the nurses let me alone with her and we were nuzzling that I realized that she had an extra little toe on each side, which added up to twelve toes in all. At that point I let out a scream that probably woke up everyone in the maternity ward. Babies were crying everywhere and other people were telling me to shut up in no uncertain terms that you would be surprised to hear coming from the mouths of mothers who had just given birth.

"The nurses ran to my side and I showed them what was wrong. They said the doctor had been supposed to tell me but he had took sick and the whole thing had just fallen through the cracks. I figured a lawsuit was the best way to react and started figuring right off how I’d spend the money on my little twelve-toed darlin’. From that point on, the nurses gave me a wide berth and good food to eat.

"An hour or so later, my aunt and her new husband came to drive me home and got very excited when they saw my baby’s twelve toes.

"My aunt smiled and said, ‘Them extra toes is the best thing that will ever happen to you or that girl. They mean a long life and good fortune.’ This thrilled me because my aunt is well-read and knowledgeable about good luck and other mystical things.

"In fact, after the orderly wheeled me out of the hospital, I had my aunt stop at a MiniMart where I had her buy twenty dollars worth of scratch-off lottery tickets with the last money I had. Back in the car, we all began scratching them off like fiends, but with a special confidence that said ‘We are gonna win!’"

"Soon enough I was whooping and hollering for dear life. My ticket indicated that I had won $100 instantly. Jumping up and down like a cheerleader, I ran back into the MiniMart, where I got the cash and then spent some of it on treats and party refreshments. Ten dollars of it I put in my shoe for Karen’s college fund.

"Now it is six months later and Karen has been a wonderful lucky charm. My aunt was right in that twelve toes throw some sort of luck on the individual and the people who she’s close to and love her. I am ahead $3,498 on the lottery and even won $500 the other night at the VFW Bingo event, most of which I spent on Karen’s room and baby clothes. To this date I have put $890 into her college fund, which is in a special sort of bank account that no one else can touch. Even I can’t get into it, according to the assistant branch manager who helped set it up.

"Also, I have not touched any sort of drugs or alcohol since Karen’s birth, which is another miracle I admit, praise god. In addition, the law suit against the hospital is moving forward and my lawyer says there is a good chance they will settle out of court just to get me out of their hair. The settlement will also add to Karen’s college fund, because that’s the one thing I’m sure of for her future. She’s going to be the first one from our messed up family to get a college diploma!

"Is all this good luck because of my baby’s twelve toes or just because the fates are looking down and giving us a chance to live a better life for a change? Frankly, I believe in magic and mystery and think those extra two toes have something to do with it. I only wish that I had been born with them. They’re like four-leaf clovers that Karen will carry around with her forever!"



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