The hour is late, way too late.

But this is the good time, the late, nobody can see me now, hour. And while America lies in a dark, cozy dreamworld, I venture forth, typewriter keys flailing away, ready to destroy the world with my trusty, poison pen. One flick of a literary brain cell, and bastions of the powers that be go tumbling down treacherous cliffs provided specifically for that purpose by me, the all powerful writer! So what if my spelling sucks? So what if my sentences sound like warmed-over rejects from the sixth grade? The point is, I got paper, I got a typewriter, I'm up at three o'clock in the morning, and there's nothing you can do about it!

Yes, I thrive on the sheer power. I can obliterate governments in mere seconds. "Hey, Soviet Government of Russia!.... You suck!" This is the U.S., baby, so kiss off, you bowl-she-vick bastards. This here is what's called "Freedom Of The Press". You can't touch me, so, FUCK YOU, RUSSIA!!!!!

"Hey, State of ARIZONA. Got a message for you and all your flashing-red & blue, gun toteing, fairy-princess, GI-JOE radar rectum cops. . . . .GET FUCKED! Cuz there's nothing you can do about it!... SO FUCK YOU! Give all the goddamn tickets and pieces of paper you want! I got my piece of paper right here, and it says, "YOU EAT SHIT!!!"

Man, freedom of the press is, like, really cool cuz you can say whatever you want. Get it? Do you see the connection? Dan Rather, hang it up! Peter Jennings, back to Auzwitch, cuz some new blood is comin' in, and it's time that the world got off its ass, and got into some me. Yeah, that's right, ME. I'm the writer here. I'm the one who knows what's going on. I'm the one who decides who is cool and who must die! I'm the one who knows exactly what I'm going to write next.

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And I don't have to type it, cuz, this is freedom of the press, and no law, or council, or committee, or parliament, or dinner mint, or breakfast jack, or Billy Jack, or billy club, or new wave club, or police dept. can lay a finger on me for what I am writing here.

Remember the hostages in Iran? Well, I got the inside scoop that there was a conspiracy and the whole thing was faked for television. They even used a lot of the same props they used on the lunar landing missions. That's right, they were faked, I thought everybody knew that. Kennedy's not dead. No, he faked the assassination just like he faked the whole PT109 incident, not to mention how he killed Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield, out at that bridge him and his brothers use for their satanical rites, you knew about that, right?, oh, shit yeah, those damn Kennedy's have been Satanists for years and years! I got proof, too. The only way a phony like JFK could get elected is by witchcraft!

Don't tell me about cardboard Whitehouses cuz, brother, I been there! and virtually every major monument you see on TV is a fuckin' 2D cardboard cutout, except for the Washington monument which is in reality about 5 1/2 inches tall! Yep, trick photography fools the American people once again! Lincoln monument? SHEE-IT, Styrofoam cutouts and a cardboard shell, on a Formica base, complete with pipe cleaners, set up to look like tourists!

Man, I got the big low-down on the D.C. connection. Everytime you see reports from the capitol on television, what you're actually seeing is an HO scale model, set up on a couple of 4x8's, and used for years by Federal PR men to make he nation's caption seem like big-shit, when really it all takes place in the garage of one Texaco station in Delaware, somewhere. The whole name "Washington, D.C." is a PR scam, and represents a place that doesn't actually exist. It's all in the mind of that poor dumb sucker, sittin' there in front of the boob-tube, waiting to be brainwashed!

AMERICA! Get down on your knee's and thank God Almighty that this country guarantees the freedom of writer's like me who bring you the real truth, untarnished by bullshit lies! Pure, unadulterated logic; if you think you can take it!

Man, I got stories you don't even want to trouble your little brain with, cuz it might be too much strain. I got truths so repugnant and undesirable, they might send preppies like you reeling in mental torment. They grab the sides of their ears so they can keep the painful truth away from their brains, where it stings as it becomes all too clear, that they, yes, they, are scared shitless assholes, waiting to die.

The govt. and various security agencies were trying a whole lot of mind games with me, and, they think I'm not on to them, but that's cool, I got them right where I want them, eating out of the palm of my hand, so to speak. My plan is to act like I don't know what's going on, play dumb, and let them go ahead with their cloak-and-dagger mind games. Meanwhile, I'm just waiting for them to tip their hand. Cuz, when they do, I'll be there to trap them in their silly little attempts at espionage and intrigue. I'll use their camouflage as bait, and sell them the ritual for a profit! As in BIG BUCKS, my friend, and I ain't-a whistling Dixie about no chopped liver. I'm talking money here. I will trick the govt. into giving me all the money I need. They will be sorry they ever tangled with these Eloquisms Of Iron.

The entire Desert Storm war was a put-on. You vets out there know what I'm talking about. The President passes the buck, and it finally comes to rest on the guys with the least power, i.e. the young, and they do their duty to the brainwashable utmost, which is be scared shitless assholes, waiting to die. Too bad the participants of that conflict could not have read the Toiletside Reader in their spare time. Maybe they would have moved on to the next scam, sooner.

The 1996 elections are a complete put-on masterpiece. This is the first year that all the Democratic candidates are made of cardboard. Clinton is a fucking cardboard cutout, painted to look like a presidential candidate. Those makeup departments can work miracles with today's modern video set-ups. MTV is a good 90% cardboard and make-up, the other 10% being crepe and paper maché. One group just pissed in a ziplock, sealed it and draped it over the video lens, for visual effects.

Stay tuned to this column, we got a big MTV expose on the way!

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