I live in a one horse, two bit, three time loser, lost and 4-gotten, off the beaten track, piece-o-shit, hick ridden, 4 T.V. channel, sign-off at 1:30 town. They kick off the prime time evening with shows like...

The fuckin Love Boat; and Happy Days; later on, us yokels go wild with the likes of...Quincy; and F.B.I. Today, (starring Mannix Resemblist, Jr.) Yes, as you can see, we really tear it up out here in the American version of Siberia. We don't have salt mines, but we sweat so much, we're always fairly salty. On Sunday, things definitely start picking up with 2 out of our 4 channels devoted to intense GOLF reruns. The 3rd channel has Frankie & Annette, and the 4th channel, a PBS station, is in the middle of another membership drive. It's worse than fuckin' PTL!

Why, if I had my own T.V. station... where I was KING... (fade to)... The KING of TELEVISION welcomes you to another non-stop 24hr. day, chock full of all of His Majesty's favorite shows! T.V. KING is delighted to bring his loyal subjects commercial free, censorship free, and Boredom Free programming, day in- day out, ALL the time! Just check out some of these schedules: SIGN ON: the day begins with just the battle scenes from old war movies & newsreels, edited into a 2 hour battle montage.

8:00 AM- Beverly Hillbilies, Green Acres, Twilight Zone,

and Combat with Vic Morrow

9:00- Live bands, not MTV videos!
10:00- Gladiator movies or Clockwork Orange
12:00- etc. YOU GET THE PICTURE?

But, NOOOOOO.... no way. This news program sez: "You're in touch with the world." Who, me? How can I be in touch with something that's just a signal coming out of a box?

But, I can't stop watching... I'M A FUCKING Sit-Com watching DOG controlled by the GOVT. and the T.V. GUIDE. Why, I wouldn't even know what day it is, except for watching King Of The Hill and Married With Children.

Give me a T.V., and a toilet, and I'm OK. I can make it.

http://tv.yahoo.com/