the absolute most sickening thing
you think you got horror stories
real life bachelors ???
I've heard a lot of horror stories about real bachelors and their appalling lifestyle innovations, but most of the time, when I hear these stories I just laugh and say, "That's nothing... I did something much worse than that for over 7 years" I would say 10% of the bachelor lifestyle stories I've heard were worse than I ever could possibly be, but the other 90% sound mild by comparison to things I've done, actually DIDN'T do.
I've had all kinds of critters, plants, fungi growths, rodent attacks, skunk attacks, birds in the house,
raccoons in the kitchen, possums, drunken neighbors, toilets you flush with a bucket, toilets you flush when you're not feeling too lazy, blue jeans worn for 6 months, roof leaks that became a wall of mold growing behind the sheet rock, growing inside the wall, under the skin, plants growing out of sinks, little squiggly salamanders that run up walls near water drains, harmless snakes, poisonous snakes, scorpions, maggots, gnats, lots of spiders, a whole wall full of bees, etc... I'm not making this up.
One day I noticed my kitchen counter top had a few dozen maggots crawling around, I grabbed a can of spray paint and painted the maggots with a coat of Krylon Primer Red. One surprise was how the maggots made good stencils on the counter top, it had unpainted dots where each maggot had been crawling.
the absolute most
the absolute most sickening thing of all was when I declared war on a clan of skunks living under my trailer,
I put noisemakers by their exit holes, I'd hear a rattle, and I'd lean out the window Texas style, and shoot them with a 20 gauge shotgun. Yes, I will admit, shooting a skunk less than 20 feet away with a shotgun has a slight tendency to make them... uh, "not smell good". Sometimes you get past the point of the smell and you just gotta kill them all, so I went for it.
One thing that you have to do is immediately get the dead skunk away from your house and yard. It must be placed where scavengers can eat it real fast. Around here, possums and buzzards will get rid of the dead skunk in about 2 days. Its really amazing how much they love to eat dead skunks.
but it gets worse, much
The absolute worst thing you can do to a skunk is kill it, unless you're prepared to dispose of it. If you try to be lazy, like me, and keep putting it off, trying to ride thru the smell, after a few days, a dead skunk will puff up like a balloon. It looks funny cuz their skin is like
dark red licorice color. Anyway, it smells pretty bad, about like a road kill skunk. But believe me, a road kill skunk smells like roast beef and apple pie and
sandalwood candles when compared to the gas trapped inside a puffed up "balloon skunk".
Whatever you do, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES start poking at a puffed up skunk carcass with a long pointed stick.
DO NOT POKE A HOLE IN THE SKIN. Once a puffed up balloon skunk gets popped, its all over,
Bubba, it becomes a different ball game entirely.
The human body can not take even one whiff of it, it makes you throw up instantly, so fast you don't even have time to open your mouth, much less bend over. Its like a convulsion in your stomach you can't control at all. Then, I swear this is true, you start cutting small farts, just from the horrible smell. It wrecks your whole gastrointestinal system within the first minute.
What was once a truly horrible road kill skunk smell thru out the whole house suddenly becomes something much worse, a full blown emergency requiring immediate attention. I had no choice but to make a "dead skunk removal tool". I had some tongs for carrying logs, I
fastened one them to the end of a 10 conduit pipe, then added another 10 feet to that. I ran a strong wire down the pole and tied it to the
unfastened side of the tongs. By pulling the wire, I was able to grab dead skunks from 20 ft away, pick them up, and carefully move them down the creek bed in back. Buzzards start gathering within minutes. The possums fight over what's left.
Yes, the bachelor's life has many
advantages. A dead, puffed up skunk carcass under the house is not one
please read BACHELOR
The Toiletside Reader by Dr. Popeye-X
is 100% © kurt otto 2011