The Sidekick Network

Hop-A-Long Capacitor: Which one is the lunatic?I just wanna say I think its about time somebody acknowledged the gol-darndest, root-tootinest, ding-dang dadblamed, consardest sunza bitches that ever wore a cowboy hat sideways! Yee-haw! I pert near shit muh long johns the first time I saw a grizzly ol' sombitch like Gabby Hayes, riding a jackass, and babbling like a goddamned idiot for days on end about absolutely nothing at all. I didn't much admire to be beholden to any sodbuster dumb enough to really want to be MY sidekick, instead, I called up the Sidekick Network, and they hooked me up with an outfit out of Lunatic, Arizona. This feller runs a local newspaper  called the Lunatic Sidekick. He's also got himself a fair sized, electrified, chicken wire cage, and a real good stun wand. He kidnaps derelicts and winos, and holds them prisoner at his Information Slave Ranch. The Sidekick Network worked out a custody deal where they send a paddy wagon by the Slave Ranch every Thursday afternoon to pick-up whoever's behind the electrified fence. "Crustbunnies" [recruits & upgrades] are shipped immediately to the Andy Devine Sidekick Bootcamp for a complete re-orientation. There have been so many advances since science discovered the sidekick gene, what was once believed to be a complete adulteration of the English language, is now suspected of being a separate dialect of nonsense, perhaps surpassing our present level altogether. The undecipherable contortions of full blown frontier gibberish have been repeatedly analyzed by computers, and they have proven to be every bit as meaningless as originally thought, if not more. These tests also had the inexplicable adverse effect of scrambling all the ROM's in the mainframe computer, bulk erasing vital hard disks, and "clearing" every chip in our test instruments of any data. The resulting out-glom of incoherent numbers and letters sound not unlike a digital  Festus Hagen in mid-ramble.

Another grim product of the ANTI POPEYE X FAN CLUB
Thank you, Mr. Ed Zeppelin, for the photo image.

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