My wife works the late shift as a mud wrestler, she makes great bread, too. I got sick of the humiliation of laying around the house all day, so I got me a job at the home for battered wives, doing administrative chores and such. It turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life.

It was 11:00 PM on a Tuesday nite when a big emergency came in. She was 250 pounds of screaming battleaxe and her husband had just finished rearranging her face. She was a mess. Two black eyes, a bloody nose, a fat lip, and worst of all, a big, fat, loud mouth which constantly spewed forth rambling, bitchy insanity. I was trying to help her fill out the appropriate forms, but her perpetual gripe was getting on my nerves. I told her to settle down, I even offered her a magazine to read, but no, she had to keep rapping about her stupid husband, how he did this, how he did that, how he had girlfriends, how late he came home, etc. Finally, I'd had enough, and I told her, "Look, this isn't a bitch festival, so settle down or so help me. . . ." Well, of course she didn't stop, she just kept right on griping ad groaning and eventually, I simply could not endure any more, so I popped her a good one, right in the teeth.

She glared at me incredulously and slowly spit out one, two, three, four of her front teeth! Wow, I must have really laid it on! Before I could even begin to say I was sorry, she was on top of me, pounding the ever loving shit out of my whole body. She kneed me in the balls, rammed my face into the corner of my desk, hit me over the head with my typewriter, threw me down, and dumped a huge file cabinet over on my spine. I tried to crawl away, but she stomped on my fingers and kicked me in the eyes, repeatedly. I screamed for mercy, but she was too busy to hear. Then, she actually reached in her purse and withdrew a large ball-peen hammer and proceeded to work me over, head to toe. Kneecaps, shoulder blades, cheekbones, elbows, teeth, feet, toes, ankles, nostrils, fingers, chin, forehead, ears, that broad was all over my ass! A couple of times I thought I was a goner for sure, but she kept on and kept on, finally I guess I must have passed out.

When I came to, she was nowhere in sight. I was glad of that like you wouldn't believe! An attendant told me, while I was out, her husband had showed up and they had a reconciliation and they went home to live happily ever after. I got out of the hospital about two weeks later and found out I had been fired for absenteeism.

ominous visage courtesy of Celia "McGiggles" Langenkamp


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