This installment probes into the murky, topsy turvey world of love, as told by the zany doctor himself. Surprisingly, we found Dr. Popeye X to be alert, lucid, candid, and (gasp) super intelligent. We were also amazed at the poontang this disheveled, absent-minded professor/psycho was able to dredge up. His sexual prowess left us stunned, amazed, and thoroughly disgusted!

LOVE REPORT: Let's skip the bullshit, and get to the part we're all dying to hear about. Dr. Popeye X, do you fuck?

DR. POPEYE X: Fucking is precisely what Dr. Popeye X is all about. Fucking is not what I DO, its what I AM. Not many people know about this, but I am constantly approached by beautiful females who are preconditioned to the "X" myth. They find themselves drawn inexplicably towards the things they fear the most, which are: A) me, B) my brain, and C) my dick.

LOVE REPORT: Why the fear?

DR. POPEYE X: Pure instinct… pure female X-ray instinct. They can sense by my speech and method of dressing that I am kind of a twitchy guy. Things make me nervous, I go thru heavy moods-swings like most people go thru traffic lights. Sometimes I hit a few "red lights" in a row. Having to stop or even slow down one bit puts me in a viscous mood. I suppose its inevitable, but I have, (without trying), developed a reputation for being a "rough date".

LOVE REPORT: Are you rough on your women?

DR. POPEYE X: I'm Sexual Sandpaper! I'm Mr. Abrasive, my motto is, "Against All Grain", friction is my epitaph. My philosophy of love operates on principals which elude the grasp of most people. Am I rough on my women? You tell me! If you can find what's left of one...

LOVE REPORT: How many women are you presently dating?

DR. POPEYE X: Pay attention to what I'm about to say, I don't like to repeat myself, OK? A) I don't date. B) I fuck.

LOVE REPORT: Are you in love these days?

DR. POPEYE X: I don't get "in" love, just like I don't get "in" trouble. I AM love. I AM trouble. I'm already "in". Believe me, I've BEEN "in". I'm so fucking "in", it freaks people "out". Even when I'm "out", I'm light years more "in" than those party-poopers who doubt my sanity, question my morality, and generally interfere with that total mystery known as "my fun"!

LOVE REPORT: I take it, by "party-poopers", you mean society in general?

DR. POPEYE X: I'm talking about my women! My love conquests! My army of infinite sperm-letting hassle mongers! I seem to have a peculiar difficulty establishing lasting relationships, I mean, I'm ready to keep fuckin', and so are they, ...but they can't.

LOVE REPORT: What do you mean?

DR. POPEYE X: Well, for one thing, when it comes to love, I don't fuck around, I fuck it into the ground. My emotions are explosions, always balls to the walls, with no compromise. Somehow, I'm so intense, I've ended up smothering every woman I ever really loved.

LOVE REPORT: Think you'll ever tie the knot?

DR. POPEYE X: As far as getting tied down goes, check out the pictures of my last four girlfriends.


Each one of these babes expressed to me that they were, "Just looking for fun with no strings attached." Well, as you know, I got to the end of my rope real fast, so I went on and had my fun, just like I always do. When I finally took them home, each one refused my farewell gesture, claiming, "I don't kiss on the first date!" I said, "Kiss? First date? Hey, bitch, A) I wanna fuck, not kiss, and B) this ain't your first date, this is your last!"

LOVE REPORT: Then what happened?

DR. POPEYE X: What do you think? I fucked 'em, then I... you know, like I always do.

LOVE REPORT: Do you have any special seduction techniques you'd like to share with our readers?

DR. POPEYE X: Yeah, whenever a beautiful woman looks me in the eye, then slowly presses her lips to mine, then sticks her tongue in my mouth and moans in a pleading tone, I always use this line: "Hey, let's just skip the bullshit and get on to the good part!!!"

Attention Readers! Be sure and send in those crazy love anecdotes!

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The Toiletside Reader
by Dr. Popeye X
kurt otto 2012