Country Potpourri


"Come in!"


"Ohhhh, what's that smell?"

She was a pretty girl. She was very, very pretty. She had another very pretty girl with her. They both scrunched up their noses and complained like they always did.

"Something stinks in here!"

He was a sloppy man. He was very, very sloppy. His kitchen sink was a place of organic activity that nobody wanted to look at, or touch, especially him. It reeked, but he was used to it. He was also used to the complaints, but sick of apologizing.


He looked down at the floor and saw a fresh box of Arm & Hammer Carpet Deodorizer. It was Country Potpourri fragrance. He got a brilliant idea.

"How ya'll doing?"

"Fine, what's that smell?"

He ignored the question.

"Anybody want a line?"

"Of course!"

Drugs was something that DIDN'T gross them out. He produced a short straw and a small mirror with half a dozen huge lines of Country Potpourri Carpet Deodorizer neatly chopped out.


"Oh, it burns! What is this? Is this stuff different? Owww!"

He ignored their questions. Moments passed as the pretty girls agonized with bright red ears and foreheads. They coughed and choked violently.

"Want some more?"



Veins stuck out on their temples as they gasped and fervently fanned their open mouths. Slobber and snot began to sling uncontrollably.

"Oh, this stuff is really strong! I might puke! This IS different!"

"Want some more?"



He had them and he knew it.

He waited for them to stop gagging.

"What were you saying?"

"Your sink smelled horrible when we came in!"

"I don't smell anything."

They flared their nostrils and inhaled indignantly. They inhaled again. And again and again. No matter how many times they tried, nothing could gross them out. They actually liked it!

"To tell the truth, your place smells pretty good! I hadn't noticed that natural freshness before. It must be those giant weeds in your yard!"

He didn't like to mow his lawn, either.

They went to his bathroom. They were sure they would smell something disgusting. They took in gargantuan gulps of air repeatedly. They were totally disoriented by not having to hold their noses. The extra oxygen they were breathing set their brains to buzzing, imagining hypothetical scenarios of possibly moving in to live with him.

He was already imagining hypothetical scenarios of his own. He gazed fondly at his tubes of K-Y, Polygrip, and Ben Gay.

He had them and he knew it.

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