Boy, howdy! The calls are really coming in! These CHICKS, they're wild about me! Four or five a day! Asking me to see movies, meet their mothers, all kinds of stuff.

Like today, Jennifer calls to invite me to Las Vegas for the weekend. Unfortunately, I couldn't answer because I was watching Cagney and Lacey.

Or what about Michelle? She calls, and wants me to go to an all nite party, and if Mary Tyler Moore wasn't on, I would've gone.

Then there's Diane. She calls, and wants me to go eat dinner and go to the lake. I almost said yes, too. If Rhoda wasn't coming on, I'd probably be there now.

And don't forget, Sally! She came by to bring me some lasagna, and I'm sure I'd have opened the door, if I hadn't been watching Alice at the time.

Shirley wrote me a letter to ask if I still lived at my house, but I was watching a special 2 hour Wonder Woman, and I forgot to write her back.

Margie, the crazy girl from high school called up, but I couldn't even talk to her, or anybody, until Charlie's Angels was over.

I was watching the Miss America pageant and some girl called, but I didn't quite catch her name.

My mother even called me up, but I cut the conversation short because I was kinda busy checking out the Penthouse with the ex-Miss America in it.

Sherry called for me, she's the stunning fox of ravishing beauty, and invited me to go with her and her 4 sisters to a log cabin hideaway. What a weekend! Too bad I didn't go, but, what with Carol Burnett coming on, I had to cancel.

I finally broke down when my estranged wife called to apologize, and I decided to break the monotony and invited her over to watch I Love Lucy with me. Typical bitch, she never showed! Who needs her? I got CHICKS ringing the phone off the hook.

Danielle, for instance. She's been trying to take me shopping to buy me a whole new wardrobe for months now, and I'll tell you what, if Police Woman ever gets canceled, I'M GOING!

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