We've all heard the recent hoopla about Pelicanmania and the Johnny Pelican World Tour. We've all heard the reports of Johnny Pelican's refusal to sing or to even have an album. The news is chock full of Johnny Pelican T-shirts, tickets, and even a convention of Johnny Pelican impersonators. So who is this Johnny Pelican anyway?

Despite the tight ring of security around the Pelican camp, our reporter has put together a small biography. Born to seafaring Newfoundland immigrants, John Pelican (real name) worked his way up thru the rock hierarchy, despite his many musical handicaps. In fact, he has evolved those musical handicaps into his personal trademarks.

Pelican doesn't sing and steadfastly refuses to write songs or record albums. Armed only with a microphone and a large pelican on a leash, Johnny Pelican swept aside the competition on MTV this summer. Experts are still scratching their heads over that one. Pelican's act consists basically of a highly rambling, ultra conceited monologue about himself, his friends, or his pelican. Pelican has a peculiar "holier-than-thou" British accent that seems to intensify the banter he puts out, which he does at a surprising rate. He has a penchant for going on and on about himself, for what seems like hours and hours, hailing his accomplishments, and making broad ultimatums to the industry and audience alike. Critics attribute his success to exposure, but his fans are die-hard fanatics who know what they like. Last week, a special program, "Who Is Johnny Pelican?" aired, and 10 million teenagers were glued to their sets.

Many critics are dismayed that the "pop" subculture has finally been reduced to a forum for just another megalomaniac, trying to push his own sick thoughts onto young, unsuspecting minds. In spite of these drawbacks, the Toiletside Reader salutes any effort to wrest away the mind control of youth from the government, where the effects of long term brain stagnation are well documented.