DO YOU HAVE A PASS?
wrong gig

A man in a waiter's coat wheels past, pushing a cart loaded with 60 small salads, each consisting of two slices of pickled red beet, and a sprig of parsley.

Do you have a pass? Me? No, I don't have a pass, but the drummer said I could come in. I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to leave right now, please. Alright. Up walks the drummer, yeah, they're OK. I'll get you good passes later. We go back in.

The drummer sits in a small room with 4 or 5 beautiful groupies. One is talking in a hinting manner about the airplane fare being only $85, one way to Little Rock, the next stop on the tour. She thinks I'm with the group, and she stares wantonly into my eyes. Her almost wickedly beautiful face is saying...

$85???

Sure, sure you will. $85? Absolutely. Uh, huh. Bargain!

I walk up to a group of obviously important people, and just on a whim, I say, "Hello, I'm with CBS, and I'm here for the interview." A suddenly attentive, beautiful girl inquires, "Who are you with?" Very slowly, I break the sad news to her. I'm not with anybody. I'm nobody. She walks away, scarcely able to conceal her disgust.

2 minutes later. Do you have a pass? Who me? No, I don't, but the stage manager let me in.

1 minute later. Do you have a pass? No, but I'm "OK", I was invited in by one of the group.

17 minutes later. Do you have a pass? No? I would like you to leave now, please. OK by me, no problem.

4 minutes later. Do you have a pass? No, you can't go in there. We were just there! We came from there! We're leaving now anyway. You'll have to leave the other way. Fine.

2 minutes later, outside. Hey, you two, the drummer wants you guys to come in. In we go. We walk to the exact spot we just got kicked out of 4 or 5 times. In a span of 10 minutes, one small area 20' x 20' becomes on, off, off, real off, on, etc.

Incidentally, this is the exact same spot where we were first asked,
"Do you have a pass?"

CHOMPING CHIMPMy friend tells me how he used to work at the zoo. He tells about a fellow worker who had his face horribly mauled and mutilated by a pissed off chimpanzee. It came from above and behind, upside down and bit the shit out of his cheek flesh. It seems that chimps have big fang teeth to go with their rather nasty dispositions.

The drummer calls me "Fuckface" to my friend, when I'm out of the room. When I come back, my friend informs me that the drummer doesn't like me, I shrug my shoulders (who gives a fuck?) The drummer gives me a big hug and a smiling handshake, and security escorts us out, for the last time (thank God!).

ELP and Zappa? Aren't those the wrong passes?
RIGHT PASSES, WRONG GIG!!!
No way! Billy Squier was the wrong gig!

THANK YOUTITLESIRONING BOARDS
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snare drum photo by Melinda Doster

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