jump down

Scene opens with Dr. Popeye-X, wearing a pith helmet, and accompanied by several "jungle porters", walking thru the woods holding a huge bow and arrow.
Dr. Popeye-X: "Hello, this is Dr. Popeye-X, on location here in Nature, the way God planned it. Glad you could join me today on this hunt for fresh meat…"

KILL HIM!!!

Suddenly, from the bushes, a loinclothed "Ted Nugent", carrying a Gibson Byrdland, darts out trying to escape. In a flash, Dr. Popeye-X draws the bow and shoots. The arrow pierces the "Ted Nugent" thru the ribs, and he falls down, screaming in mortal pain.

Dr. Popeye-X: "Heh, heh, that's a little one, probably have to throw him back."
Dr. Popeye-X goes up to the "Ted Nugent" who is screaming and flopping on the ground, and Dr. PPX turns him face up with his foot. "Ted" reaches up pleadingly saying, "Please…", as Dr. PPX quickly draws a .45 and blows his head to pieces, the blood splattering everywhere.
Dr. Popeye-X: "Heh, heh, I sure hope things pick up, I don't mess with the small stuff. Still, I don't mind a little souvenir for my trouble."
Dr. Popeye-X draws out a massive Bowie knife, pulls back the loincloth, cuts off "Ted's" genitals, and stuffs them into his hunting pouch. Handing the guitar to a porter, he continues down the trail, humming "Stranglehold".
Suddenly, a porter points to a nearby hillside. Three identical yelping "Ted Nugents", break out of the undergrowth and hightail it for safety. Like a well-oiled samurai, Dr. Popeye-X fires three arrows, mortally wounding all three "Ted Nugents", who flop on the ground, screaming in pain and terror.
Dr. Popeye-X (wielding a bloodied Bowie knife): "They look like keepers to me!" Stuffing his pouch with fresh genitals, he instructs the porters to collect the guitars.
The hunting party continues to flush out terrified "Nugents", brutally killing them, and adding to a growing guitar and genital collection. As the day wears on, the booty grows to unmanageable proportions. Finally, the quantity of guitars compels the head porter, Jim Bobwi, to speak.
Jim Bobwi: "Bwana, guitars too many!"
Dr. Popeye-X: "Yeah, Jim Bobwi, looks like we got enough for now, let's head back to camp."
The hunting party returns at last to a massive campground, with Gibson Byrdlands piled everywhere by the hundreds. Every tent in the camp is made from multiple loincloths sewn together, and decorated with hundreds of scalped Nugent manes. Guitars and pieces of guitars comprise every conceivable piece of campsite construction, from the poles and stakes on the tents, to the cooking utensils, and the firewood itself. The whole sprawling camp is made solely from byproducts of the Wild Nugent.
Jim Bobwi: "Bwana, guitars too many!"
Dr. Popeye-X: "Wrong, Jim Bobwi! God gave us the Wild Nugent to slaughter at our own convenience, we must be like the American Indian, and use our 'buffalo' for everything. You simply can't have too many Nugent guitars, the Lord's harvest is very plentiful indeed."
Jim Bobwi: "Yes, Bwana."

Dr. Popeye-X enters his own private quarters, which is a meticulously constructed palace of woven fur rugs, glued-together bone-mosaic furniture, and human skin lampshades with tattoos of Ted Nugent. Scene ends with Dr. Popeye-X nonchalantly emptying his hunting pouch into a meat grinder, while humming the chorus of "Cat Scratch Fever".

good ol' Buddy cat...... this boy loved to eat

FINANCIAL WOESTITLESHUFFING WITH DON HENLEY
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reader comments:

Gary sez:
Subject - Nugent Nuggets
You know thats very funny. I always like to have a couple of sacks of Nugent Nuggets lying around just to feed my cat. Sometimes I like to dry 'em out and play marbles with em. Other times I like to just stomp em flat with a good pair of size thirteen camo combat boots... that is before I cut em off with my rusty 1902 boyscout knife thats never been sharpened. Tried to eat some one opening day of turkey season a few years ago, but all I got was feedback. And I thought I was the only one who cherished these delectable tidbits! Gotta GO.

Susan said:
Subject - The Nuge!!!!!!
That Ted Nugent thing was the funniest ever!!!!!!!!! I mean it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Duke says:
Subject - the nuge
I like the way Ted holds his mouth when he bowhunts. Only one thing that bothers me... his drool runs all over the the hunting cabin!

Bruce says:
Nice article on Nugent...so nice in fact that you have earned my "Fucking Bonehead of the Year" Award. Let me ask you something? I take it by your ability to read and write that your body is somehow being supplied with vital nutrients correct? Let me guess, due to your ignorance of hunting wild game, you are probably a vegetarian or some self-serving variation of same? Do you realize how many helpless insects, insects that lack the size and cunning of larger game animals, must be killed to supply your ass with "fresh veggies?" I am appalled at your disgusting article but no more so than I am at your ignorance.

Dr. Popeye-X explains:
What do vegetables have to do with anything? I can hunt all the fictional Ted Nugents I want to. I'm a tax paying citizen of the United States, and I don't need your agreement for anything I might want to think, write, or publish. To tell you the honest truth, I'm glad you're appalled, but I'm afraid you're the one who's ignorant. The theme of the page is "Cowardice", not "Animal Rights".

Jack & Shane proclaim:
Subject: great website
that has to one of the funniest web sites i've seen. to me ted nugent is one of the biggest pieces of shit to walk the earth. he disses on drug users while he is leaving trails of babies in his wake. at least drug users are only hurting themselves, but this dickhead was cheating on his wives with everything with a pussy. don't even get me started on his music! it just plain sucks. when i heard that damn yankees were getting back together i
wanted to stick ice picks in my ears so i wouldn't accidently hear one of their new tunes.

Dr. Popeye-X chuckles:
Did you like the back "ground" image?

Jeff writes:
Ted Nugent has to be the biggest scumbag on the face of the earth. I wish Ted and John Rocker were permanently tied together with a hemp rope in a 69 position. That would shut both of them up and allow the rest of us to live in relative peace.
http://www.musiciansboard.com/cottonmouthtexas
http://www.shortbuzz.com "Hoops (and a search for the truth)"
The great law of culture is: "I am the one Alpha Male. Me." - Ted Nugent Let's hope that one day Ted crosses paths with the guys in Wu Tang Clan.

Dr. Popeye-X agrees wholeheartedly:
Fuckin'-A!!!

JoeandTosh write:
Dear faggot sonnovabitch,
Have another bonghit you jobless waste of skin.What the hell is a Wu tang Klan?Have they met the Ku Klux Klan?How does it feel to be a part of the moral decline of America.I'm amazed you scraped up enough for a computer.Or did you save up welfare checks?You really made a statement didn't you fucksponge?Who the hell are you to rank on Ted Nugent?Because he hunt's??Wow,terrible.Let's go 4'wheelin buddy,me an you.....waddaya say?Like to drag you behind my jeep like some of your friends.You'll never win punk,there's more of us than you!
EAT MY SHIT FAGGOT.

Dr. Popeye-X promises:
You would die in the first five seconds, if not sooner. You, and ALL your punk bitch blow buddies, DEAD, just like that! (snaps fingers) Don't think it hasn't been tried before... (laughs) that's my hobby, bitch, can't you tell?
Ted's alright with me, actually I've been a
fan for over 20 years, I'm just having some fun "hunting" him on my website... you know, just to piss off the DUMBFUCKS like you?

Anthony Agostino writes:
i may be a dumb fuck and often find myself self all alone 3 out of 5 voices in my head say I am troubled and will not talk to me. The other 2 are just as fucking lost. But we do agree that for a period of time we sat discussing the value of the web and I have put a prozac in it now. Popeye-x,  A wonderful platform where those with the creative genius are brought together with the opportunity of the web and The American Way... The American Freedoms... Rock On! Here is two two prozacs and a straight jacket to ya. You know as well as I do if a woman see the sight and balks beat her (by the way what do you tell a woman with two black eyes....... nothing you all ready hit the bitch twice.). If the guys come on and cant find the humor he has not got the peter to poke a poodle and hurt it. Needs to take his chicken dick to Tysons farm and find a date. well as diluted as the commentary you spew is I envy the creative genius that started it. And on a serious note I would rather believe that the time I spent in the Marine Corp was spent protecting people like you with a point of view then some condasending fucks i see on you site. Keep it up.

Dr. Popeye-X:
I salute you, Anthony, its people like you that make this website great.

Hey man,
I have to say somethin' before I offer up my opinion here. I've been a rabid Nugent fan ever since I was 10 years old. Which was almost 25 years ago. I also have my own Nugent mailin' list and website. (Along with my Stevie Ray Vaughan & Carlos Santana pages etc.)

ANYWAY, I want to seriously compliment you on your whole site. Including your "Hunting The Wild Nugent" page. WHY? Well, because it's very creative & very funny. (I laughed my ass off at the part that ended with this sentence: "Handing the guitar to a porter, he continues down the trail, humming "Stranglehold".)

Look, I'm into Ted because (in my not so humble opinion) he's the greatest hard rock/metal guitarist to EVER pick up an axe. But that doesn't mean that he isn't fair game (no pun intended) as far as bein' made fun of is concerned. Shit, the Nuge also has a GREAT sense of humor & would probably get a kick out of it himself. (Believe it or not. PPX: I agree 100%) In fact I may just post your link to my Nuge list so that others can enjoy it. (Not EVERYONE would...but I bet they'd be in the minority. PPX: Go for it.)

So, (to make a long story even longer), I'm not a Ted-Clone... I'm a Ted-Head. (There's a BIG difference.) Example: I'm an atheist & an independent. I have my own opinions & views. I follow no one...and it's cool seein' that you fit that description too.

Keep up the good work. Keep your sense of humor.

And Live It Up, 
mark-webmaster/owner at:
http://www.CannedChaos.com

Dr. Popeye-X gushes:
Thanks, Mark. Anti-Popeye-X Nuge Fans take note - there's no law that says if you LOVE Ted Nugent, you also have to be STUPID, and act like an OBNOXIOUS ASSHOLE. Also, a WEBPAGE doesn't have to be a threat to your fucking LIFESTYLE. Check out Mark the Serious Guitar Head at www.cannedchaos.com He's as into Nuge as much as ANYBODY, and he fucking LAUGHED at this page! I salute you, too, Mark, and all the other Ted-Heads who AREN'T full of shit!

richard says:
dr peniseye,
ppx: here's lookin' at ya...
It is you who are the coward.
ppx: that' doesn't mean I'm scared of you
True, this is Amerika and you have a right to say what you want.
ppx: gee, thanks.
Likewise, hunters have a right to hunt.
ppx: hunting nugents?
You can write as many silly stories as you like, but the truth is hunters are still killing animals, HA HA HA!
ppx: I'm still killing nugents, HAHAHA!
Ted Nugent is a man who has accomplished many things
ppx: I'm so impressed
and has not bowed to pressure or threats from the likes of you.
ppx: what pressure? all I did was blow his brains out, cut off his balls, and steal his guitars.
That takes courage.
ppx: aw. you got a widdle pwoblem wif being a chickenshit, eh?
What have you done little girl, besides hide behind your computer?
ppx: what are you hiding behind with your e-mail, lil' darlin'? And if I'm hiding, how did you find me? C'mere and give Pappy a lil' kiss...

K R Schmechel writes:
So what does this have to do with cowardice as you so state? Your mock article was more in line with the common THOUGHT that hunters waste the animals just for the ability to kill something. If you just want to kill something join the military. But if you are hunting for sport and using the entire animal that is not waste. People use it for art such as bone and/or antler carvings. They obviously use the food. And of course there is the use of the skin as clothing. Your attack on Nugent is rather foolish because if you did any of your homework the man does not buy any food. He grows his veggies, he eats what he kills and only eats what he kills or grows unless he is on the road. Are you more upset about his hunting practices or the fact that he has the right to do so. It's not like he's not getting up close to the animal before the kill. In fact as a bowhunter the accuracy range is nowhere near as far as with that of a firearm. Not to mention of course the range of being an anonymous and distant nameless attacker via the internet. By the way drug users destroy more lives than just their own. They destroy all around them and can be known to bring their friends and family down with them.

Dr. Popeye-X can only be honest:
KR, I have no idea what you're talking about, or even trying to say. You're "sort of" asking me something to do with "why?", or something like that, right? Are all those things you mentioned supposed to be my half-baked reasons for doing what I did? Do you even
know what I did? Let me diagram it for you.
Step One:
I blew his fucking brains out.
Step Two:
I cut his fucking balls off.
Step Three:
I stole his fucking guitar.
I did it repeatedly.
Are you really asking me
WHY I did that?
It couldn't possibly make more sense than it does right now.

ATTENTION all you appalled Ted Heads! Read this:

Still thinking, Sir Edmund Plovos writes:
Criminal record sealed after eighteen--memories of youth are limited by this one uncommonly profitable, lenitive law. One title I savor (subject to no power but my own) more than any other: conductor. The caboose leads; wheels are oblong, causing cars to tremble and steel to cough grinding complaints; smoke ascends with colored tendrils caressing the blackest scrapings of hell; the locomotive eludes view. Few could not recognize my train, disorderly, begging for derailment with its uncontrollable speed, but the thought remains mine. Now of age some illusion is employed to convince the gentry of my origin from the right side of the tracks; unfortunately trains sometimes blast through crossings, making short work of any obstruction. Despite unerring guidance I sometimes meet the unexpected, and now is one such time, as a member of your flock collides. Nugent hunting ripped off one of the many scabs of my childhood memories, letting forth a crimson trickle of air-guns and weekends spent alone.

The rifle I owned was accurate, never failing to force an ejaculation of down (resembling hearty, colored snowflakes) from feathered victims, who would fall to the ground while mellow drafts set to toying with their shattered coats. 600 feet per second meant the .177 caliber projectiles were sometimes inadequate to fell my prey, so I would set upon the wounded and lower my boot over their warm mass (pressing into their bodies such as bricks set on wet mortar), crushing and popping the feeble structure enclosing brain and heart, and shudder with bliss as the last struggles of life flapped the wings up against my sole and down against the earth--a hopeless flight to death. The innards and marrow release one of the most peculiar and genuine smells, quickly eclipsing Hoppe's rifle grease and wafting forest potpourri (dead leaves, wood, stone, dirt), the odor would encompass my nostrils such as tequila down my gullet--smooth, inoffensive, quickly intoxicating.

I delighted in raping nature of all her creatures, while scoffing at bag limits, day and time restrictions, methodology of stalk, or any other such nonsense The Department of Natural Resources had expected me to follow.

Game officials listed my practices as unlawful "wanton waste", I preferred orgasmic massacre. Some may hunt for sport, others for utility, fewer still for population management, but I shall hold no reticence in expressing what my intent, and that of many must be: murder for pleasure.

Beth says:
Subject: teds a jerk
ted nugent is the biggest ass hole in the world ..hes from michigan ? so are the nichols brothers ..strange folks indeed ..keep on ripping on this asshole ..haha

Dr. Popeye-X laments:
You know, I actually like him and admire him, but he is just one small example of the sacrifices I'm prepared to make for this website. I'm sure Ted would understand. We must honor the Wild Nugent, like the Indians honored the Great White Buffalo.

Terry The Cop sez:
I like and respect Nugent. I hunt, fish, own guns and I'm a Cop. Pro or Con I think what most of the people missed in your " Hunting Nugents" is the "First Ammendment". You can write, say or express whatever you wish Period!!! If we try to change ANYTHING in the "Bill of Rights" we lose. Express yourself anyway you wish PPX. It's your undisputed right.

PPX is speechless, for once.

this explains it all:
FAN CLUB NAZIS

FINANCIAL WOESTITLESHUFFING WITH DON HENLEY
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popeye-x@popeye-x.com

The TOILETSIDE READER
by Dr. Popeye-X
kurt otto 2013