to the latest issue of...
TALKIN BOUT TIMMY
the only newsletter in the U.S. devoted solely to Talking About... yep, you guessed right, TIMMY! Of course, to those in the know, Timmy needs no introduction, so lets get on to those Timmy items!
Today, Timmy was nearly killed by an angry mob at an Abortion Sniper Swap Meet. It seems he was caught in the kiddie section with his pants down, furiously humping the stuffing out of a mutilated Tinky Winky doll. Although they severely beat him within an inch of his life, he managed to escape, quickly scurrying into a drainpipe just about the time his Yellow Ryder Truck "went off", vaporizing an entire strip mall in an earth shattering flash of energy, taking the entire Swap Meet with it.
Recently, it has been rumored that Timmy has been going thru a lot of unfair psychological stress lately. What with the FUCK YOU, TIMMY! BANQUET being held by local Jaycees, and the WHO KILLED THE MOST BABIES, YOU OR US? award from Abortion Mill Magazine, its no wonder the L-Man is getting bummed.
Why is everybody always Picking On Timmy? Remember that Anti-Celebrity Roast, where they took that homeless wino prisoner? They painted "Koresh" on his forehead, duct taped him to a clothesline pole, doused him with gasoline, and torched him, just for kicks a la Jasper, Tx. That's the kind of public reaction that makes even a hardened killer like Timmy very nervous.
Next week, the St. Chickenshit Church of Total Cowardice is throwing their annual TIMMY BASH, which will include a Carnival with a real Glory Hole, and a Chili Bunker Cookoff. Last year, this reporter attended that sordid affair. The "chili cookoff" turned out to be a scheme to lower the effluent level in the church septic tank with a Carne Ca-ca-da Taco Booth. And the "carnival" consisted of nothing more than a row of dirty books followed by a large cardboard box with the word "GLORY" painted over a hole in front. Now, nobody knows for sure who's inside the box, and there's only one sure fire way to find out. Strange church!
With Timmymania sweeping the world wide web, its no surprise a lot of businesses are jumping on the Timmy bandwagon: Timmy Body Bags, Timmy Debris Sifters, Timmy Cadaver Location Teams, and Timmy Body Count Calculators. Opening this week is the Texas Department Of Corrections, Timmy Death Row Unit. It is rumored that Timmy himself has a room in the sprawling complex. He's so famous and influential, the WWW is choked with a plethora of Timmy related websites. Timmy may have murdered a lot of innocent people for his own political delusions, but nobody gives him credit for all the people he missed, even if it was by accident. They lived didn't they? Timmy's quaint human imperfections gave them a new chance on life, but they would rather hassle Timmy about his political naiveté.
And now, an editorial from the news desk:
Well, that about wraps it up for another informative
issue of the best newsletter about Timmy
to ever happen! We regret that Timmy was recently awarded the death penalty by an an Okie
jury, even though we feel he more than deserves it, our concern is that his execution will
throw a big monkey wrench into the concept of the Talkin' Bout Timmy Newsletter. The
editorial staff is working on a contingency plan, to see if maybe having a newsletter